Online Dating Bloopers

For a while now I have dabbled in the online dating phase. Who is with me admitting it? Everyone when they admit to it someone is like “oh my gosh, that is so weird!”  Whatever, how am I going to meet anyone between work, school, trying to have a social life as well as my own “me time” so I not kill anyone?

 What I have found, is not looking good. If the man is so very handsome, and on here, there is a reason. If you look like you belong in a Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, have your own place, car, and a job and are a yummy Italian who is only a mere 30 years old yet still can’t nail down someone (at least for long term) there is a reason!

 Well except for me, I am like perfect, right? No we all have faults but I am using it since I am so busy. I work with all much older people, no one new floats through work, nor grocery store, or the gym. How am I going to meet anyone, I’m not getting any younger!

The dating scene especially I feel like here in Los Angeles is so off the wall. Especially for us gays, I mean with everyone wanting some worked out body, or someone with hang up about their sexuality still in your forties-I don’t have time for that. Get on the band wagon. We all make a choice and mine is to be strictly dickly!

 Par example; I was dating this guy, nice guy, mildly attractive and the first Latin guy I have dated. I love Latin, Italian or black guys but for some reason I always wind up dating some white guy. Oh well, vanilla works right? Any who I didn’t find out till after our first date he didn’t have a car. Red flag went up.

 I opted to not throw in the towel just yet, maybe ask a few questions. He tells me well “I need to get it fixed; I just haven’t taken it in yet. Also I live in Hollywood, I can walk anywhere I need to, and my job is just a few blocks away”.

I decide to not pry to much more and basically throw in the towel. This is not New York City, nor you Carrie Bradshaw. Anyone who lives in LA knows living in LA could mean you are anywhere in a million mile radius. This guy is nuts, nor is he not that cute for me to stick around for basically. Or drive him everywhere when we need to go out. I live in the valley and always have to trek over the hill to see him? Or is he going to walk down the 101 to come over? Call me an ass, I don’t care or shallow, whatever.

 Fast forward a few weeks later my friend takes me to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants in West Hollywood for my birthday. After having a drink waiting for a seat not a minute later I am being some immature dumbass looking through the holes in the seat divider that separates our table to the entrance. I comment “cool, what if you wanted to spy on someone? How cool!” I notice this guy I used to see sitting with some guy who he is obviously on some date with. Ironic don’t you think?

Naturally the next thing to do is text him. Yes I did, and boy was it funny. Let’s get real; truthfully I didn’t really like him. I didn’t care he was really dating someone else.  

I thought it would be just for shits and giggles you know?

 I text a friendly hello what’s up and the douche bag shows my text to his date! I can only imagine what he said “oh look this guy I used to see getting at me haha, what a loser”.

Oh no that little prick. So I write back “hey asshole quit showing my text to your anorexic looking date, let him enjoy that taco you fucker”.

The look on his eyes was awesome, as he quietly looks around. I just thought it was so funny. I swore I felt like I was in an episode of Punked and Ashton Kutcher was going to jump out and yell “YOU HAVE BEEN PUNKED!”

After a few more immature texts back and forth as me and my friend are laughing our ass’ off thinking this is unreal, he and the date quickly walk out. I write once more just to put some icing on the cake, “Hope you have a nice walk home asshole!”

 Alright, I know this was so very childish but hey I’m out having dinner for my birthday! I can be an ass just a little right? It is fun!

Shortly later he responds with some piss poor response on how I am an asshole, blah blah, this new guy is so great and how his Mercedes has been fixed and his new boyfriend drives it “oh so good”.  Blow me, I don’t care if there is a Rolls Royce and a brand new Range Rover parked next to the Mercedes. All I ask is the man has a freaking running car.

How can I introduce a so so looking guy with no car to friends and family? I am sorry my family would be like he is 30 years old, what a scrub. I would have TLC playing all through the house.

Moral of the story, I was so right to kick him to the curb. And you want to add some sprinkles to that cake? He gets at me a month later; he is still single and wants to go out again. I turned on TLC’s No Scrubs and never looked back. However I am still single, so if anyone knows a decent man, with a job, a car, and place to live, you know how to get at me. ChrisDCervantes@gmail.com

Till next time-ride it like you stole it!