Who hides the salami?

            I have been asked by many different people this one question about gay relationships; who is the top and who is the bottom? How do you know which position to take? Do you talk about it prior or just jump in and see who goes for the ride?

            When a guy is interested in another guy you kind of get the vibe early on as far as what their stance is. Yes you tend to talk about it very casually, and after hearing answers you find out who likes what. When one guy is pursuing another between the two of them they know who rolls which way pretty much. It is a vibe you just know.

            If it is a bit questionable you can be flat out honest and question him about it. I mean really I have had men ask me “so what are you, more a top or bottom?”  It is something you need to know, so being able to talk about that with that person is important. You don’t want two bottoms trying to play bumper cars? Or two tops trying to play hide the salami? You want to be like goldilocks, you want it just right!

            Now I definitely am not into vaginas so I am not sure how lesbians work. If they talk about who wants to be the “guy” with an artificial toy or maybe not at all? They obviously are not into penises so I myself would think they are not wanting any of that business. I think for them bumper cars works just fine. I should do some research and ask a few of my lesbian friends what they tend to like. Maybe next week’s blog needs a recap.

            Really, is this something straight people think about? I wonder because anyone who has been curious and asked me is always straight so maybe it crosses their mind more than I think? Maybe the cute straight guy who works at Starbucks who I wish I could ride till the cows come home really is gay or at least curious. Good for me.           

            How do you know what you like, well you just know. You know what floats your boat and if you don’t know you will find out eventually, right? I myself found what I like very early on. So as an educator I feel it is important to say follow your heart! You know what you like deep down so roll with it and go with the flow. But make sure you’re squeaky clean if you flow that way! You don’t want to give him Hershey kisses!

Curiosity won’t kill the cat-I swear!

 

            I met a guy; he was just a casual acutance. Well that’s actually a lie but I won’t say how or where I met him because than everyone will ask-“I bet I know!” And then before you know it he will have some melt down and go into therapy.

            He was very cute, nice deep voice, good body and great hair. We didn’t really talk or hit it off in the beginning at all. Neither he nor I were very outgoing at first, nor did I really care about getting to know him. He was nice but I didn’t really think much of him at first. All of our mutual friends swore he was straight even though I kind of got a little different vibe. He was good at keeping the straight guy vibe strong and most people don’t question and just go with the flow.

            He lived by me and we started hanging out more and more. We would run and work out together since we both had a few days during the week with a similar work schedule. Sometimes he would come over and we would go swimming too, and grab something to eat. In the beginning I didn’t really question much, I just hung out and he was some guy who I am becoming friends with. After a short bit (in my opinion too short for a straight guy whom I was not super good friends with REALLY) he would ask a lot of gay related questions. He would also make a lot of gay jokes, they were funny I would laugh and he could tell I got a kick out of it. He was very comfortable with gay guys he said and it didn’t bother him at all. I of course became a little more intrigued; I mean he is a cute guy, good age, handsome, and made me feel tingly all over; and I liked it.

             But are straight men that interested in gay stuff? Do they wink at you when they are around you, and do they ask questions about gay sex? Flirt with you talking about where they can stick there piece of meat? So of course I thought he was secretly gay and swore up and down it would come out of his mouth eventually! I just patiently waited and praying he would need a friend, I will be his friend!

            Nope it never did, ever. I started talking with him more openly about whatever he wanted to know and that was it. He never pressed the issue; nothing! I talked with him about EVERYTHING gay and he liked it. When I would make gay jokes back he would get a kick out of it. One day he wrote on my wall on facebook; something gay and he thought it was funny. So naturally I had to write back about him being strictly dickly, and he deleted it! I questioned him on why he deleted it he said that it was inappropriate for everyone to see. Are you joking? You ask lots of gay random stuff, say whatever and I don’t get offended. When he talks about how sharing is caring and both men should be the pitchers and receivers in the relationship I don’t get “butt hurt” over it but yet he gets all pissy like a brat?  

            Since then we have not talked much. Not really because of that specifically however it definitely is a part of it I am sure. I mean I am over it; it’s not that deep by any means. I’m not sure he is over it, or maybe he just suppresses his emotions. It has been awhile and he still has not come around much nor have we talked. Men are so strange; they hold grudges over so many damn things. If he really is gay he most likely has some issue over his sexuality. I will work on being sensitive to his feelings should we cross paths much again. I thought I was being nice but, I guess I was wrong-oops. However if he reads this feel free to stop by I will give you a big kiss and make it feel better. J  

Big ol' lesbian

            A few weeks ago I was in West Hollywood; gay palooza I love it! A friend and I were going into one of our favorite bars for the cheap drinks, casual attire, and close proximity to where we live anyway. I mean we got two drinks for $9 bucks can’t go wrong huh? On top of everything parking is a breeze, free with no valet, and always parking either on the side or in the back. We’re heading in and the security guard is no other than a butched up, heavy set Asian lesbian who stands at almost 6 ft. She is wearing jean shorts that come past her knees and a jean cut off with a wife beater under it. Some sneakers, smoking a cigarette and she is who we must past to join the other mo’s in the bar.

            I am thinking in my mind, wow this is one scary butch. Really, I wouldn’t want to piss her off she would knock a bitch into next week. If two homo’s were bitch slapping each other; she easily could break up that cat fight. I just find it amazing that this whole bar, with about 98% being gay guys, throw in a couple hags and this bar hires her to woop anyones ass who is disrupting the ora of hot guys; either getting lit hoping for a number if not actually putting one of those free condoms to use!

            As my friend and I walk up she smiles in a friendly manner and offers us a cigarette. We both politely decline, I don’t smoke and my friend is too anxious to get her Rum and Coke on. Walking into the bar we pass the rest rooms that by the way have a hole at eye level. That creeps me out, whenever I have to use it I have her watch the door, could you imagine being the fool who has to take a huge dump and someone looks through the hole? Now I wouldn’t take a dump at a bar but maybe a good piss. She notices the hanging box with all the free condoms and lube and is like oh lets grab a bunch. As we check out the condom packages they all have different LA designs and she keeps them. Not to use but for souvenirs; she is a weirdo. We order some drinks, a Rum and Coke for her and a Tequila Sunrise for me. You can’t go wrong at $9 bucks for two drinks right? After one more drink we end up heading out for the night. I had work in the morning as usual must teach little Suzy how to sit a bump at the rising trot cause I need a paycheck.  

            On our way out we pass the security guard once more. I think it is wonderful that she can have a great career as a door “woman” at a gay bar and be truly successful at it. She has the presence of Vin Diesel and has the voice to match it. When she says “have a good night, you guys and behave yourself” I get anxious, like a little kid who did something they shouldn’t have done.  I have no idea why? Clearly I am 27 plenty old enough to go out drinking responsibly but still that voice of hers makes me nervous coming from a woman. Now if she looked like Vin Diesel I might instead of being anxious become a bit more excited. If she had the body to match it well than hi ho silver I might ride that pony real good nice and forward too.

Women showing there Peekachu and Gallopies in Public

            I wrote about working out at gyms quite a while ago. I have to say I believe it is time to remind people of etiquette at the gym. Frankly some people I have noticed have not received the memo on proper clothing as well as behavior in gyms. I feel that when working out it is important to cover up the important parts of our bodies that may draw attention. Let’s pretend like we have some home training and not some hoochie coo with her peekachu all exposed.

             I was at the gym and this woman who I see all the time there was working out.  She has big fake boobs, a super tiny waist, and a tight perky little butt on her. She walks around the gym with her boobs all pushed up and flirts with all the men, who naturally stare at her galoppies as they stay nice and perky, and stay afloat while she is in the pool acting as her life preserver.

            As she is working out is on this machine, of course trying to get attention she was looking like some real big hooch. She was lying face down on this machine, bent over holding a weight. Her legs stable so she has to use her back and abs to come up while holding the weight. So as she goes up and down her perky little butt is airborne for all of LA Fitness to see. Than for icing on the cake if you were in front of her as she lifts up what do you get to see? Yes her perky boobs nicely pushed up together.

            I am thinking in my mind is this really necessary? I mean do we truly need to watch your boobs and butt all in the air? And when you switch sides do we really need to have your legs in the air? Please have respect for others because no one wants to see all that business. I am sure some men do but for the rest of the world let’s not do that. Go to the gym, get in your workout and that’s it. Quit drawing attention to yourself by working out like a giant skank.  Then when men come up to talk with her she is all sweaty, with sweaty boobs and these shorts that are coochie cutters so when she does the squats in front of the mirror she has her legs spread and about half the men’s gym looking at her.

            Hopefully she is reading this, if you are the woman who does this please have respect for my gorgeous brown eyes and not do such movements. The thought of her funky peekachu creeps me out quite a bit.  Just attend the gym, do what you are there for, and be done. And do not put on a bikini and do those things by the hot tub; that is my only other request please.