Broke as ..what?

I was chatting with an old friend and we were speaking about ex’s. He was saying how he had been dating some guy, a little younger than himself and speaking like the guy was so clueless because he was so young. Not together and all over the place in life. Now being young myself I sometimes think people assume with age ALWAYS comes wisdom. I have to disagree, I know too many people who are older than me and dumb as a toad and completely clueless. Or they find what makes them happy and realize so many things way later in life, things that I have already or realized recently and I am only 27.

            He was saying how his boyfriend lived out of state; they had contemplated him moving to LA and talked seriously about it happening. When his boyfriend came to visit he went to work with him and his boyfriend really liked what he seen. My friend does make up for photo shoots, sometimes celebrities, and big award shows. My friend stated his boyfriend really liked it wanted to do this now as a career and quit what he had been doing. My friend was a bit offended because he said “well he never told me he wanted to do this. He acted like I lived some glamorous life because I see celebrities, do make up stuff and wear designer clothing.

            I actually laughed at him to his face. I was so put off that someone thinks like that. First of all you’re not that cool, you really are not. I have seen “how you live” and it is nothing to write home about. For example I was talking about Toni Braxton and how good she is, one of my favorites  (because anyone who knows me knows I have loved her immensely since I was little always been a favorite)  and he was like “she is nobody she is some broke ass bitch.” First of all I had to put him in his place, don’t no one talk about Toni like that. She is the jam always has been and always will. She is just a person, and so are you.  

            I was like she lives in Beverly Hills, has a great home, has a show, she is not that broke. She has more than I do I’m a broke bitch. He replies well “I live 5 minutes from Beverly Hills myself.” I am thinking, who are you? Last time I checked you were not special.  These people sometimes I see here in Los Angeles crack me up with their Beverly Hills and Malibu self are nuts. He acted like my leather flip flops from Abercrombie were ugly, because they are not his Gucci ones-he only likes the Gucci ones. Are you for real? I had to hoe him out and say with all this glamour lifestyle you got you can’t afford no car, and have people drive you around. His boyfriend always had to pick him up to go anywhere. Triff-alin no good scrub! Have a seat and keep painting mugs on ugly ass people cause you an’t nobody.

What flavor man is sissy pants vanilla, mocha, caramel or chocolate?

 

 

 

            This past week I met a friend for margaritas at the best Mexican restaurant in Burbank. We got to talking about the differences in dating men from all races. Were both half Latin of some sort so we know how our blood lines run. If you have only dated one particular race you obviously won’t have much to go on. I will say there is a bit of a difference and I think it is funny. It’s funny because being half Mexican sometimes I have been known to act a little crazy at times and men who are not used to all that “loudness” sometimes get a little scared.

            My family happens to be the whole united nation; we have it all other than some Asian stuff. I have myself dated mostly white guys but a couple Mexican guys, and even a Brazilian. I have always wanted to date a nice Puerto Rican and black guy mix. Or  Mexican and Creole mix too that would be sexy a man with a complexion of peanut butter, some green eyes, maybe a little color in their hair from the SoCal sun and holy smokes give me some of that business!

            We were talking about when dating white guys and how they get a little scared if you go off your rocker in some way shape or form. Whether it’s what you do or what you say, scares them a bit easy.  I have only came across one white guy who if I went off my rocker a little bit by what I said he didn’t freak. I have been known to say “the wrong things” purposely just because if I think they might work I should give them a little test. Now all these other white guys freak out and hit the freeway. I remember one white guy I dated; he was the best guy ever! He was super sweet, handsome, very affectionate, extremely giving, and just really the best man around. He liked buying me stuff, I won’t lie you keep all these qualities I will do whatever you want sir!  

            One day we were hanging out and he mentioned something about a big maybe not wanting kids. He asked me if I wanted them and I said of course. I want two kids, a home in Toluca Lake, I want my husband to buy the golf course so I can have our home built on it. Then I want two small paddocks with a small barn and arena built for my two horses, a pet goat, with a chicken coop too. Also pool cause I love swimming and laying out, with my jeep wrangler. My handsome husband can do any career of his choice! I will work part time take the kids to school, ride my two horses early before I go off to work for a few hours. Than come home and get the kids and I will still take care of stuff at home too. He goes “wow, so you’re going to do all that?  What if when you’re older you don’t want kids, keep that in mind?”

             Now I know myself well enough to know my wants. I told him basically I will never be serious with a man who will not give me kids I will kick him to the curb. He will just be a good time guy that’s it. The guy I was dating said “alright well if you want kids I will have kids with you. You however might have to change a lot of diapers!” That’s ok, I can compromise see, I am a giver too.

 He said he might not be able to buy a golf course and build a home on it in Toluca Lake. We could live in Thousand Oaks or Camarillo and get a little farm since parts are zoned for horses. Although I knew I was not in love with him I thought that was really sweet of him and have yet to meet someone who said they would do that for me.

            For a guy I have to say I am impressed. The last white guy I ever lost my marbles on I threw stuff in his front yard, after he pissed me off. I thought he was with another guy and I was like hell no. All this mature crap makes me sick. I threw anything he gave me in a bag and threw it all over his front yard. Have you ever seen Bringing Down the House with Queen Latifah?  I blew up his phone and left him a crazy message and told him how much of a piece of crap he is (I actually used other words) and to this day the poor man still freaks and can’t look me in the eye. That is the truth, I have run into him at the mall and he literally stopped looked at me, looked the other way and ran out of Macy’s. We have a special history, and buy special I mean to this day I still would set his house on fire but orange stripes don’t work for me and I am way too delicate to go to jail. I have hid in a truck too to see where he was out and out with too! I won’t even say a few other crazy things I have done, this will get put on the internet. I even hope one day he reads this. I really do. I would still slap him, or do a Lisa Left Eye Lopes on him and set his house on fire. I am not ashamed, most people tell me I should be and that is so immature. You know what; I was younger during that time so that’s my excuse. And I am half Mexican, were nuts. I mean really freaking nuts. I would do it again to if he made me mad enough. I don’t mind sharing it because I know somewhere out there some black woman has done that too. You know Tyler Perry’s Madea I swear she is true inspiration. Also in the movie “Waiting to Exhale” when she sets that car on fire honey I will do some crazy stuff too. Deep down I am sure I was some black woman in another life. I had a great weave too I just know it.

            The last Mexican guy I dated I ran into him when I was at a restaurant. He didn’t know I had seen him at the same time out with another guy on a date. I saw him as I was peeking through this little hole in the side wall, I was with my friend and we started laughing. I felt like I was in movie, making comments about what if you could spy on someone and who is there but a guy I was dating not too long prior. I started to text him just for fun and mess with him. He got offended by my comments, naturally they were rude, and very crude! If you know me and my mouth, they sky is the limit! After he received my texts they both got up and got the check pretty quick.

             It was so funny I just did it for entertainment. We talked after the incident and he didn’t take offense to it. I swear if he was not Mexican he probably would have freaked out and called the cops.

I an’t scared of no po po !!

Men and Funky Feet!

             I am not quite sure what is with men, and not taking care of their feet. I really don’t. I recently was at a Labor Day BBQ and we were sitting around the lovely fire pit and I had one guy notice my feet and said “so I notice you have like no hair on your feet at all.”

 

A) Thanks for noticing my feet

B) No I have no small patch of hair there I think it is gross

C) I think feet are gross especially men with a patch of hair on their foot is even grosser

D) I keep mine nice, toe nails trimmed, and lotioned; I have been told multiple times by friends and boyfriends I have nice feet for a guy

 

            So this guy thinks I am odd for shaving any little bit of hair on my foot. He is making jokes like “really, I like it, and sometimes I get cold so it keeps me warm.”  Very cute, real cute. Even when I am at the gym and I see guys walk around (sometimes not in flip flops-GROSS!) and they have the funkiest feet. Like do you not have any shame? I mean toe nails all long; what are you doing? I mean warding off predators? Or maybe you are trying to grate cheese? I think funky feet are so nasty! Keep decent hygiene, your girlfriend or boyfriend does not want to be hugged up with someone with funky feet. If you have funky feet, it will not work. I even once went on a date with someone who had the audacity to show up, in flip flops with funky feet. Needless to say he was not that cute, had funky feet, made great money but I am sorry I could not go back out with him.

           

            Nothing is worse than seeing a handsome man, nice chest, big arms, great hair, nice legs, and work your way down to ugly feet. It is painful for me to have to can him but he will have to go if he can’t keep that mess right.  There is no way in hell will I climb onto bed ever with some man with funky feet. I will inform you if I think you might work but need to handle your business better. If I have to do that and that is our “big problem” you must fix that because I cannot budge on that.

Hollywood LOOSER!

            I have tried this internet dating thing for a bit now, and I have to say it really is still bull. When I first read these online profiles, I was excited! I thought of it as basically boyfriend shopping, you see what you like, see what you don’t, just pick through the men.  See who is cute, who has the perfect amount of sexy facial hair, which is tall enough, and who has whatever it is your looking for.  Sometimes I would just cut and paste the same opening line to 10 different men and see who responds. I mean easy as cake so I thought.

            I think my first online profile was on match.com years ago and let me tell you, relationship wise I have not gotten any further. I have been on plenty of dates (from internet and non internet) and still no luck. Loser, after loser, after loser. 

            When reading these profiles typically you see a few pictures that may (or may not) catch your eye. Then I tend to scan on down, reading stat’s on them. See what they enjoy for fun, what they do for a living, hopefully they have a car as well. You read a bio on them and pray to god what you’re reading is the truth. I myself don’t put false information on my profiles. I am real; honey I like to be in the water swimming, kayaking, or skim boarding as much as I like to sit my butt on the couch and eat a burrito from Chipotle. You should also be honest enough to write that I expect. I can’t stand it when I see someone with ONE picture of them hiking and acting like there so active. They try to present themselves like they are so athletic when in reality there floppy butt hasn’t hiked anywhere other than to the fridge from the couch. Than you two meet and what happens; you find some frumpy floppy looking thing out of breath trying to hike the Santa Monica Mountains because he was like “let’s go on a hike.” You don’t hike the mountains in Malibu every weekend, bike 4 miles 3 times a week, an avid runner  3 times a week and look like that sweetie who are you fooling?

            One guy emailed me; we talked for about a week. Claimed oh he hikes Runyon all the time, and is a celebrity makeup artist, loves the outdoors, and of course presents himself in the best light. Ok we all want to but, again I am straight honest and must remember not everyone else is.

            We meet and reality is he has no car, he said he would rather use a taxi. However his car is in his parking spot all broken down. Than he boasts everyone comes to him, he stays in his little Hollywood proximity because he wants to live in “Hollywood” where the glitter falls from the sky I guess. Glitter must drizzle on top of the homeless crack heads as well I imagine, Hollywood is so dirty.  I am thinking how the hell do you get around LA? If I can manage to support myself (in a profession that really is not a real money maker anyway no man will be with me cause I have some good bank), have an apartment, (although tiny) feed and pay my own bills myself, have a stable job, enroll in school again to wrap up a degree, and support my damn horse you better be able to do something productive with yourself.

             The man works at a high end department store where he sells Tom Ford make up; not sure where “celebrity makeup artist” ever came in other than he did two celebrities make up before for an event. I recently ran into him at the store shopping with a friend and all he could do was name drop; Tyra Banks, Steve Martin and how great it is to see them. Like he actually does lunch with Tyra? And please do you think I care? Literally I left work, had no change of clothes. I am wearing my nasty horse slobbered breeches, slip on Ralph Lauren shoes (that although used to be cute are no longer from wearing to work) and my arm pits I could only imagine stunk, and wearing a hat walking through Neman Marcus in Beverly Hills. Even my friend was a little embarrassed how awful I looked but I couldn’t help it she wanted me to go so honey this is what’s up.

            Now I am not knocking him for what he does or how he lives but let’s be real and present yourself accurately. If I do why can’t others? Again I am NOT in a profession for which I ever expect to make really great money; I do it because I love horses. I don’t have some great retirement fund that is doing oh so wonderful currently; I work full time and am a student again. That equals not wealthy.          

            Needless to say he got kicked to the curb real quick. He also was not that cute. You have no bank, and you’re not cute, not a hard worker, I am sorry you have to go; good day.