Hollywood LOOSER!

            I have tried this internet dating thing for a bit now, and I have to say it really is still bull. When I first read these online profiles, I was excited! I thought of it as basically boyfriend shopping, you see what you like, see what you don’t, just pick through the men.  See who is cute, who has the perfect amount of sexy facial hair, which is tall enough, and who has whatever it is your looking for.  Sometimes I would just cut and paste the same opening line to 10 different men and see who responds. I mean easy as cake so I thought.

            I think my first online profile was on match.com years ago and let me tell you, relationship wise I have not gotten any further. I have been on plenty of dates (from internet and non internet) and still no luck. Loser, after loser, after loser. 

            When reading these profiles typically you see a few pictures that may (or may not) catch your eye. Then I tend to scan on down, reading stat’s on them. See what they enjoy for fun, what they do for a living, hopefully they have a car as well. You read a bio on them and pray to god what you’re reading is the truth. I myself don’t put false information on my profiles. I am real; honey I like to be in the water swimming, kayaking, or skim boarding as much as I like to sit my butt on the couch and eat a burrito from Chipotle. You should also be honest enough to write that I expect. I can’t stand it when I see someone with ONE picture of them hiking and acting like there so active. They try to present themselves like they are so athletic when in reality there floppy butt hasn’t hiked anywhere other than to the fridge from the couch. Than you two meet and what happens; you find some frumpy floppy looking thing out of breath trying to hike the Santa Monica Mountains because he was like “let’s go on a hike.” You don’t hike the mountains in Malibu every weekend, bike 4 miles 3 times a week, an avid runner  3 times a week and look like that sweetie who are you fooling?

            One guy emailed me; we talked for about a week. Claimed oh he hikes Runyon all the time, and is a celebrity makeup artist, loves the outdoors, and of course presents himself in the best light. Ok we all want to but, again I am straight honest and must remember not everyone else is.

            We meet and reality is he has no car, he said he would rather use a taxi. However his car is in his parking spot all broken down. Than he boasts everyone comes to him, he stays in his little Hollywood proximity because he wants to live in “Hollywood” where the glitter falls from the sky I guess. Glitter must drizzle on top of the homeless crack heads as well I imagine, Hollywood is so dirty.  I am thinking how the hell do you get around LA? If I can manage to support myself (in a profession that really is not a real money maker anyway no man will be with me cause I have some good bank), have an apartment, (although tiny) feed and pay my own bills myself, have a stable job, enroll in school again to wrap up a degree, and support my damn horse you better be able to do something productive with yourself.

             The man works at a high end department store where he sells Tom Ford make up; not sure where “celebrity makeup artist” ever came in other than he did two celebrities make up before for an event. I recently ran into him at the store shopping with a friend and all he could do was name drop; Tyra Banks, Steve Martin and how great it is to see them. Like he actually does lunch with Tyra? And please do you think I care? Literally I left work, had no change of clothes. I am wearing my nasty horse slobbered breeches, slip on Ralph Lauren shoes (that although used to be cute are no longer from wearing to work) and my arm pits I could only imagine stunk, and wearing a hat walking through Neman Marcus in Beverly Hills. Even my friend was a little embarrassed how awful I looked but I couldn’t help it she wanted me to go so honey this is what’s up.

            Now I am not knocking him for what he does or how he lives but let’s be real and present yourself accurately. If I do why can’t others? Again I am NOT in a profession for which I ever expect to make really great money; I do it because I love horses. I don’t have some great retirement fund that is doing oh so wonderful currently; I work full time and am a student again. That equals not wealthy.          

            Needless to say he got kicked to the curb real quick. He also was not that cute. You have no bank, and you’re not cute, not a hard worker, I am sorry you have to go; good day.