Men in Steamrooms Getting Steamy

            I have been meaning to upload a new article on my Chrisforreal.com blog, it has been a few weeks and life has been so busy. On the positive side horses are good and I have been keeping up with Vin Diesel and he is doing great!

 

            I was at the gym recently; for some reason I am always inspired by the gym. Men who have great bodies love to show them off. I for one will not stand in their way!  If I am on schedule I’m  at the gym by 6:30 AM for a good hour at least before heading home and go off to work shortly following.  

           

            It never fails every time I come around the corner leading into the locker room there is always the same guy taking pictures of himself. Really is it necessary every day to take photos of yourself? He stands in front of the mirror, flexes his arms and chest, and takes photos. I think it is quite vain, I mean really don’t you know what you look like? Now on the contrary I don’t mind half naked men with great bodies flexing that I could drip caramel on and have fun with but in a public gym locker is that necessary?

 

            There is also another guy who loves to walk around naked. I mean every time I see him, he is butt naked. Now I love it and don’t have one problem with it, his ding dong is like a freaking anaconda and he has a chest to die for. With icing on the cake he has a butt you could just bite and is an extremely handsome olive skinned man with a great head of hair. He is as smooth as they come and when he walks around I have even heard other men talk about the size of his package. Which is glorious I mean a man with a package that beautiful should walk around butt naked; he should go to work like that even. Preferably my place of employment is most preferred.  I myself loved when I was in the steam room sipping from my Starbucks refresher; naturally he is the only one who comes in butt naked of course. I notice other guys looking at his business and I couldn’t help myself but ogle over how lovely it was! When he left after maybe close to 10 minutes some guy even made a comment on how big it is. I just had the biggest smile because I loved all 8 minutes of the sight of his third leg. If I wasn’t gay before I was than because wow not boobs could make me in awe like that piece of meat.

 

            If you are not into gyms normally,  I think if you made yourself get into a routine you will find little things to motivate you into going. I myself have, after a few cups of coffee and seeing some good looking men all before work I generally am in a pretty good mood. I suggest you find what motivates you and get going, get those endorphins flowing and lose weight at the same time.

What is most important to you?

            Normally in my Chris for real I speak on something during the week that caught my attention; that could be taken a bit humorous, or maybe is just plain crude.

This week I was at work taking my horse through our “Los Angeles trail ride” through the pet cemetery next door and sometimes a walk around the business’ plazas we have surrounding the farm. I mean not much of a Middleburg feel by any means but its Calabasas and all I have so I make the best of it. 

            I’m walking through the cemetery; it’s a pet cemetery so the woman who is in charge welcomes us each day. She is so nice, and is even said she was going to make us a trough so my horse can have something to drink from when she is cooling out. We clip clop around, check out the grave stones, and even off to the side is a big dirt area not really kept up that we stroll through, walking along the fence line, walking through the tall weeds, checking out the buildings and cars and sometimes hear the 101 freeway or police cars. Very peaceful I must say.

            As I was making my way back around I notice an older man looking at me. At first I felt weird when I started taking her on trail rides around the surrounding area people look at me weird. I feel like some urban cowboy, to me horses are so normal and an everyday thing. Not that I don’t enjoy or love them but it’s my normal. I forget to most people, especially people in a city like LA horses are not common to them like a cat or dog. So the man was looking at me with a big grin. I smiled and gave a small wave, he waved back. Than about 10 minutes later as I am making my way around, passing him I notice him getting into his car. Before he climbed in for good he stopped, looked and said “wow I miss riding so much.” He had a big smile as he said it and came up to Roxy and I. I stopped and talked with him. I asked him his name, he said Tony. He said “ya I broke my back quite a while back, so now I can’t ride. It was always my horse, my dog and I. I’m here visiting my dogs grave stone. I come every week and see it, he was great. I had to sell my horse. I sold her to a friend, she lives up north now. Wow I wish I could ride still, I miss it so much. I had an Arabian, she was so good. I would go on trail rides with her and my dog was always running behind us following.”

            I was just listening, in awe really. This man really loved his horse and dog. Although I don’t know his whole life, I have a good idea they took up a lot of his life. This man most likely wouldn’t have had it any other way. I look at myself and horses have been in my life forever. Truthfully friends have come and gone even some family members. Things that you once thought were so important really were not. Horses however since I was so little have always been important to me, something I have loved and enjoyed so much. Someone noticed a picture of me as a small kid, I had this Breyer horse, drinking a frappachino and they were like “well not much has changed, huh?” Even strolling through the park is something I love because I can just go with my own horse, and let her do her thing and enjoy my own horse. I didn’t get to have one as a child so being able to as an adult is something I love.

            When the man started talking to me I was thinking wow, your kind of a big guy to be sitting on some Arab. Second an Arab trail riding? That sounds miserable, freaking alpaca running through the woods, no thank you! More importantly I was sad for him. This much older man who can’t even walk the best had some big smile watching me on my horse, he was wishing he could ride a horse again. He was really nice asking me about Roxy, how old she was, her back ground, just a bunch of stuff. He was patting her and touched my chaps and the fringe smiled and said “well I can tell you take great care of her son.”

            Our conversation really sat with me. It made me grateful to be able to ride on a regular basis. Sometimes I forget because I get to see horses every day, how lucky I really am. Sometimes I want to send them to Mexico but some people wish they could ride and I get to everyday.

            Later that evening I was talking with my only sister Danielle and she mentioned how she thinks everything happens for a reason. How things happen and it means something whether we know it or not. Danielle was like “Chris this old guy wishes he could be you again I am sure, riding around on his horse. So appreciate being able to ride, even on those days when you want to go home cause they have been bad. Cause when your old you might not be able to ride either!”

            I hope when I am older I can still ride. I certainly do not need to be able to jump big, or school naughty horses. I would be happy riding my good horse around at 60 years old. That works for me I don’t need broken bones. It just made me really think about life, and what is important to each one of us. Most people wouldn’t understand someone who loves horses and how it is more of a lifestyle not a passing thing. Some people get into it later in life, others just cause others do it so they fall into it. I didn’t have anyone who really led me into horses, I know my father thinks he played a huge part in it. He never took me to a lesson so I don’t know where he got that idea? I just have always loved them way before I even started lessons. My sister certainly is not a horse person but certainly knows me, and knows how much I have loved horses my whole life. If someone told me I couldn’t ride, I would feel so weird, very sad and it would be a life changing thing. Like chopping off part of your body, I mean I would relate it to getting a divorce even.

            After reading Jackie Kennedy’s book, it talked about how horses after all that she had to endure being the first lady how important and meaningful horses were to her. Horses were a part of her whole life starting as child to an older woman till they day she passed away. I knew someone who after being married their spouse didn’t want them to ride so they quit. I also knew someone who was told they shouldn’t ride from a doctor. They were severely hurt and the doctor mentioned if they were injured a second time it could become so much worse. So they quit. I couldn’t imagine being told that, that I should stop doing something I love and really enjoy; and never do it again. I don’t think I could, I would maybe have to can the man. And I would have to find a quiet horse and take my chances if a doctor told me that too.

            So I think people should find what is important to them, enjoy it and appreciate each time they get to enjoy it. We never really know what is in store for us the next day so make the most of each day.

Broke as ..what?

I was chatting with an old friend and we were speaking about ex’s. He was saying how he had been dating some guy, a little younger than himself and speaking like the guy was so clueless because he was so young. Not together and all over the place in life. Now being young myself I sometimes think people assume with age ALWAYS comes wisdom. I have to disagree, I know too many people who are older than me and dumb as a toad and completely clueless. Or they find what makes them happy and realize so many things way later in life, things that I have already or realized recently and I am only 27.

            He was saying how his boyfriend lived out of state; they had contemplated him moving to LA and talked seriously about it happening. When his boyfriend came to visit he went to work with him and his boyfriend really liked what he seen. My friend does make up for photo shoots, sometimes celebrities, and big award shows. My friend stated his boyfriend really liked it wanted to do this now as a career and quit what he had been doing. My friend was a bit offended because he said “well he never told me he wanted to do this. He acted like I lived some glamorous life because I see celebrities, do make up stuff and wear designer clothing.

            I actually laughed at him to his face. I was so put off that someone thinks like that. First of all you’re not that cool, you really are not. I have seen “how you live” and it is nothing to write home about. For example I was talking about Toni Braxton and how good she is, one of my favorites  (because anyone who knows me knows I have loved her immensely since I was little always been a favorite)  and he was like “she is nobody she is some broke ass bitch.” First of all I had to put him in his place, don’t no one talk about Toni like that. She is the jam always has been and always will. She is just a person, and so are you.  

            I was like she lives in Beverly Hills, has a great home, has a show, she is not that broke. She has more than I do I’m a broke bitch. He replies well “I live 5 minutes from Beverly Hills myself.” I am thinking, who are you? Last time I checked you were not special.  These people sometimes I see here in Los Angeles crack me up with their Beverly Hills and Malibu self are nuts. He acted like my leather flip flops from Abercrombie were ugly, because they are not his Gucci ones-he only likes the Gucci ones. Are you for real? I had to hoe him out and say with all this glamour lifestyle you got you can’t afford no car, and have people drive you around. His boyfriend always had to pick him up to go anywhere. Triff-alin no good scrub! Have a seat and keep painting mugs on ugly ass people cause you an’t nobody.

What flavor man is sissy pants vanilla, mocha, caramel or chocolate?

 

 

 

            This past week I met a friend for margaritas at the best Mexican restaurant in Burbank. We got to talking about the differences in dating men from all races. Were both half Latin of some sort so we know how our blood lines run. If you have only dated one particular race you obviously won’t have much to go on. I will say there is a bit of a difference and I think it is funny. It’s funny because being half Mexican sometimes I have been known to act a little crazy at times and men who are not used to all that “loudness” sometimes get a little scared.

            My family happens to be the whole united nation; we have it all other than some Asian stuff. I have myself dated mostly white guys but a couple Mexican guys, and even a Brazilian. I have always wanted to date a nice Puerto Rican and black guy mix. Or  Mexican and Creole mix too that would be sexy a man with a complexion of peanut butter, some green eyes, maybe a little color in their hair from the SoCal sun and holy smokes give me some of that business!

            We were talking about when dating white guys and how they get a little scared if you go off your rocker in some way shape or form. Whether it’s what you do or what you say, scares them a bit easy.  I have only came across one white guy who if I went off my rocker a little bit by what I said he didn’t freak. I have been known to say “the wrong things” purposely just because if I think they might work I should give them a little test. Now all these other white guys freak out and hit the freeway. I remember one white guy I dated; he was the best guy ever! He was super sweet, handsome, very affectionate, extremely giving, and just really the best man around. He liked buying me stuff, I won’t lie you keep all these qualities I will do whatever you want sir!  

            One day we were hanging out and he mentioned something about a big maybe not wanting kids. He asked me if I wanted them and I said of course. I want two kids, a home in Toluca Lake, I want my husband to buy the golf course so I can have our home built on it. Then I want two small paddocks with a small barn and arena built for my two horses, a pet goat, with a chicken coop too. Also pool cause I love swimming and laying out, with my jeep wrangler. My handsome husband can do any career of his choice! I will work part time take the kids to school, ride my two horses early before I go off to work for a few hours. Than come home and get the kids and I will still take care of stuff at home too. He goes “wow, so you’re going to do all that?  What if when you’re older you don’t want kids, keep that in mind?”

             Now I know myself well enough to know my wants. I told him basically I will never be serious with a man who will not give me kids I will kick him to the curb. He will just be a good time guy that’s it. The guy I was dating said “alright well if you want kids I will have kids with you. You however might have to change a lot of diapers!” That’s ok, I can compromise see, I am a giver too.

 He said he might not be able to buy a golf course and build a home on it in Toluca Lake. We could live in Thousand Oaks or Camarillo and get a little farm since parts are zoned for horses. Although I knew I was not in love with him I thought that was really sweet of him and have yet to meet someone who said they would do that for me.

            For a guy I have to say I am impressed. The last white guy I ever lost my marbles on I threw stuff in his front yard, after he pissed me off. I thought he was with another guy and I was like hell no. All this mature crap makes me sick. I threw anything he gave me in a bag and threw it all over his front yard. Have you ever seen Bringing Down the House with Queen Latifah?  I blew up his phone and left him a crazy message and told him how much of a piece of crap he is (I actually used other words) and to this day the poor man still freaks and can’t look me in the eye. That is the truth, I have run into him at the mall and he literally stopped looked at me, looked the other way and ran out of Macy’s. We have a special history, and buy special I mean to this day I still would set his house on fire but orange stripes don’t work for me and I am way too delicate to go to jail. I have hid in a truck too to see where he was out and out with too! I won’t even say a few other crazy things I have done, this will get put on the internet. I even hope one day he reads this. I really do. I would still slap him, or do a Lisa Left Eye Lopes on him and set his house on fire. I am not ashamed, most people tell me I should be and that is so immature. You know what; I was younger during that time so that’s my excuse. And I am half Mexican, were nuts. I mean really freaking nuts. I would do it again to if he made me mad enough. I don’t mind sharing it because I know somewhere out there some black woman has done that too. You know Tyler Perry’s Madea I swear she is true inspiration. Also in the movie “Waiting to Exhale” when she sets that car on fire honey I will do some crazy stuff too. Deep down I am sure I was some black woman in another life. I had a great weave too I just know it.

            The last Mexican guy I dated I ran into him when I was at a restaurant. He didn’t know I had seen him at the same time out with another guy on a date. I saw him as I was peeking through this little hole in the side wall, I was with my friend and we started laughing. I felt like I was in movie, making comments about what if you could spy on someone and who is there but a guy I was dating not too long prior. I started to text him just for fun and mess with him. He got offended by my comments, naturally they were rude, and very crude! If you know me and my mouth, they sky is the limit! After he received my texts they both got up and got the check pretty quick.

             It was so funny I just did it for entertainment. We talked after the incident and he didn’t take offense to it. I swear if he was not Mexican he probably would have freaked out and called the cops.

I an’t scared of no po po !!

Men and Funky Feet!

             I am not quite sure what is with men, and not taking care of their feet. I really don’t. I recently was at a Labor Day BBQ and we were sitting around the lovely fire pit and I had one guy notice my feet and said “so I notice you have like no hair on your feet at all.”

 

A) Thanks for noticing my feet

B) No I have no small patch of hair there I think it is gross

C) I think feet are gross especially men with a patch of hair on their foot is even grosser

D) I keep mine nice, toe nails trimmed, and lotioned; I have been told multiple times by friends and boyfriends I have nice feet for a guy

 

            So this guy thinks I am odd for shaving any little bit of hair on my foot. He is making jokes like “really, I like it, and sometimes I get cold so it keeps me warm.”  Very cute, real cute. Even when I am at the gym and I see guys walk around (sometimes not in flip flops-GROSS!) and they have the funkiest feet. Like do you not have any shame? I mean toe nails all long; what are you doing? I mean warding off predators? Or maybe you are trying to grate cheese? I think funky feet are so nasty! Keep decent hygiene, your girlfriend or boyfriend does not want to be hugged up with someone with funky feet. If you have funky feet, it will not work. I even once went on a date with someone who had the audacity to show up, in flip flops with funky feet. Needless to say he was not that cute, had funky feet, made great money but I am sorry I could not go back out with him.

           

            Nothing is worse than seeing a handsome man, nice chest, big arms, great hair, nice legs, and work your way down to ugly feet. It is painful for me to have to can him but he will have to go if he can’t keep that mess right.  There is no way in hell will I climb onto bed ever with some man with funky feet. I will inform you if I think you might work but need to handle your business better. If I have to do that and that is our “big problem” you must fix that because I cannot budge on that.

Hollywood LOOSER!

            I have tried this internet dating thing for a bit now, and I have to say it really is still bull. When I first read these online profiles, I was excited! I thought of it as basically boyfriend shopping, you see what you like, see what you don’t, just pick through the men.  See who is cute, who has the perfect amount of sexy facial hair, which is tall enough, and who has whatever it is your looking for.  Sometimes I would just cut and paste the same opening line to 10 different men and see who responds. I mean easy as cake so I thought.

            I think my first online profile was on match.com years ago and let me tell you, relationship wise I have not gotten any further. I have been on plenty of dates (from internet and non internet) and still no luck. Loser, after loser, after loser. 

            When reading these profiles typically you see a few pictures that may (or may not) catch your eye. Then I tend to scan on down, reading stat’s on them. See what they enjoy for fun, what they do for a living, hopefully they have a car as well. You read a bio on them and pray to god what you’re reading is the truth. I myself don’t put false information on my profiles. I am real; honey I like to be in the water swimming, kayaking, or skim boarding as much as I like to sit my butt on the couch and eat a burrito from Chipotle. You should also be honest enough to write that I expect. I can’t stand it when I see someone with ONE picture of them hiking and acting like there so active. They try to present themselves like they are so athletic when in reality there floppy butt hasn’t hiked anywhere other than to the fridge from the couch. Than you two meet and what happens; you find some frumpy floppy looking thing out of breath trying to hike the Santa Monica Mountains because he was like “let’s go on a hike.” You don’t hike the mountains in Malibu every weekend, bike 4 miles 3 times a week, an avid runner  3 times a week and look like that sweetie who are you fooling?

            One guy emailed me; we talked for about a week. Claimed oh he hikes Runyon all the time, and is a celebrity makeup artist, loves the outdoors, and of course presents himself in the best light. Ok we all want to but, again I am straight honest and must remember not everyone else is.

            We meet and reality is he has no car, he said he would rather use a taxi. However his car is in his parking spot all broken down. Than he boasts everyone comes to him, he stays in his little Hollywood proximity because he wants to live in “Hollywood” where the glitter falls from the sky I guess. Glitter must drizzle on top of the homeless crack heads as well I imagine, Hollywood is so dirty.  I am thinking how the hell do you get around LA? If I can manage to support myself (in a profession that really is not a real money maker anyway no man will be with me cause I have some good bank), have an apartment, (although tiny) feed and pay my own bills myself, have a stable job, enroll in school again to wrap up a degree, and support my damn horse you better be able to do something productive with yourself.

             The man works at a high end department store where he sells Tom Ford make up; not sure where “celebrity makeup artist” ever came in other than he did two celebrities make up before for an event. I recently ran into him at the store shopping with a friend and all he could do was name drop; Tyra Banks, Steve Martin and how great it is to see them. Like he actually does lunch with Tyra? And please do you think I care? Literally I left work, had no change of clothes. I am wearing my nasty horse slobbered breeches, slip on Ralph Lauren shoes (that although used to be cute are no longer from wearing to work) and my arm pits I could only imagine stunk, and wearing a hat walking through Neman Marcus in Beverly Hills. Even my friend was a little embarrassed how awful I looked but I couldn’t help it she wanted me to go so honey this is what’s up.

            Now I am not knocking him for what he does or how he lives but let’s be real and present yourself accurately. If I do why can’t others? Again I am NOT in a profession for which I ever expect to make really great money; I do it because I love horses. I don’t have some great retirement fund that is doing oh so wonderful currently; I work full time and am a student again. That equals not wealthy.          

            Needless to say he got kicked to the curb real quick. He also was not that cute. You have no bank, and you’re not cute, not a hard worker, I am sorry you have to go; good day.

Who hides the salami?

            I have been asked by many different people this one question about gay relationships; who is the top and who is the bottom? How do you know which position to take? Do you talk about it prior or just jump in and see who goes for the ride?

            When a guy is interested in another guy you kind of get the vibe early on as far as what their stance is. Yes you tend to talk about it very casually, and after hearing answers you find out who likes what. When one guy is pursuing another between the two of them they know who rolls which way pretty much. It is a vibe you just know.

            If it is a bit questionable you can be flat out honest and question him about it. I mean really I have had men ask me “so what are you, more a top or bottom?”  It is something you need to know, so being able to talk about that with that person is important. You don’t want two bottoms trying to play bumper cars? Or two tops trying to play hide the salami? You want to be like goldilocks, you want it just right!

            Now I definitely am not into vaginas so I am not sure how lesbians work. If they talk about who wants to be the “guy” with an artificial toy or maybe not at all? They obviously are not into penises so I myself would think they are not wanting any of that business. I think for them bumper cars works just fine. I should do some research and ask a few of my lesbian friends what they tend to like. Maybe next week’s blog needs a recap.

            Really, is this something straight people think about? I wonder because anyone who has been curious and asked me is always straight so maybe it crosses their mind more than I think? Maybe the cute straight guy who works at Starbucks who I wish I could ride till the cows come home really is gay or at least curious. Good for me.           

            How do you know what you like, well you just know. You know what floats your boat and if you don’t know you will find out eventually, right? I myself found what I like very early on. So as an educator I feel it is important to say follow your heart! You know what you like deep down so roll with it and go with the flow. But make sure you’re squeaky clean if you flow that way! You don’t want to give him Hershey kisses!

Curiosity won’t kill the cat-I swear!

 

            I met a guy; he was just a casual acutance. Well that’s actually a lie but I won’t say how or where I met him because than everyone will ask-“I bet I know!” And then before you know it he will have some melt down and go into therapy.

            He was very cute, nice deep voice, good body and great hair. We didn’t really talk or hit it off in the beginning at all. Neither he nor I were very outgoing at first, nor did I really care about getting to know him. He was nice but I didn’t really think much of him at first. All of our mutual friends swore he was straight even though I kind of got a little different vibe. He was good at keeping the straight guy vibe strong and most people don’t question and just go with the flow.

            He lived by me and we started hanging out more and more. We would run and work out together since we both had a few days during the week with a similar work schedule. Sometimes he would come over and we would go swimming too, and grab something to eat. In the beginning I didn’t really question much, I just hung out and he was some guy who I am becoming friends with. After a short bit (in my opinion too short for a straight guy whom I was not super good friends with REALLY) he would ask a lot of gay related questions. He would also make a lot of gay jokes, they were funny I would laugh and he could tell I got a kick out of it. He was very comfortable with gay guys he said and it didn’t bother him at all. I of course became a little more intrigued; I mean he is a cute guy, good age, handsome, and made me feel tingly all over; and I liked it.

             But are straight men that interested in gay stuff? Do they wink at you when they are around you, and do they ask questions about gay sex? Flirt with you talking about where they can stick there piece of meat? So of course I thought he was secretly gay and swore up and down it would come out of his mouth eventually! I just patiently waited and praying he would need a friend, I will be his friend!

            Nope it never did, ever. I started talking with him more openly about whatever he wanted to know and that was it. He never pressed the issue; nothing! I talked with him about EVERYTHING gay and he liked it. When I would make gay jokes back he would get a kick out of it. One day he wrote on my wall on facebook; something gay and he thought it was funny. So naturally I had to write back about him being strictly dickly, and he deleted it! I questioned him on why he deleted it he said that it was inappropriate for everyone to see. Are you joking? You ask lots of gay random stuff, say whatever and I don’t get offended. When he talks about how sharing is caring and both men should be the pitchers and receivers in the relationship I don’t get “butt hurt” over it but yet he gets all pissy like a brat?  

            Since then we have not talked much. Not really because of that specifically however it definitely is a part of it I am sure. I mean I am over it; it’s not that deep by any means. I’m not sure he is over it, or maybe he just suppresses his emotions. It has been awhile and he still has not come around much nor have we talked. Men are so strange; they hold grudges over so many damn things. If he really is gay he most likely has some issue over his sexuality. I will work on being sensitive to his feelings should we cross paths much again. I thought I was being nice but, I guess I was wrong-oops. However if he reads this feel free to stop by I will give you a big kiss and make it feel better. J  

Big ol' lesbian

            A few weeks ago I was in West Hollywood; gay palooza I love it! A friend and I were going into one of our favorite bars for the cheap drinks, casual attire, and close proximity to where we live anyway. I mean we got two drinks for $9 bucks can’t go wrong huh? On top of everything parking is a breeze, free with no valet, and always parking either on the side or in the back. We’re heading in and the security guard is no other than a butched up, heavy set Asian lesbian who stands at almost 6 ft. She is wearing jean shorts that come past her knees and a jean cut off with a wife beater under it. Some sneakers, smoking a cigarette and she is who we must past to join the other mo’s in the bar.

            I am thinking in my mind, wow this is one scary butch. Really, I wouldn’t want to piss her off she would knock a bitch into next week. If two homo’s were bitch slapping each other; she easily could break up that cat fight. I just find it amazing that this whole bar, with about 98% being gay guys, throw in a couple hags and this bar hires her to woop anyones ass who is disrupting the ora of hot guys; either getting lit hoping for a number if not actually putting one of those free condoms to use!

            As my friend and I walk up she smiles in a friendly manner and offers us a cigarette. We both politely decline, I don’t smoke and my friend is too anxious to get her Rum and Coke on. Walking into the bar we pass the rest rooms that by the way have a hole at eye level. That creeps me out, whenever I have to use it I have her watch the door, could you imagine being the fool who has to take a huge dump and someone looks through the hole? Now I wouldn’t take a dump at a bar but maybe a good piss. She notices the hanging box with all the free condoms and lube and is like oh lets grab a bunch. As we check out the condom packages they all have different LA designs and she keeps them. Not to use but for souvenirs; she is a weirdo. We order some drinks, a Rum and Coke for her and a Tequila Sunrise for me. You can’t go wrong at $9 bucks for two drinks right? After one more drink we end up heading out for the night. I had work in the morning as usual must teach little Suzy how to sit a bump at the rising trot cause I need a paycheck.  

            On our way out we pass the security guard once more. I think it is wonderful that she can have a great career as a door “woman” at a gay bar and be truly successful at it. She has the presence of Vin Diesel and has the voice to match it. When she says “have a good night, you guys and behave yourself” I get anxious, like a little kid who did something they shouldn’t have done.  I have no idea why? Clearly I am 27 plenty old enough to go out drinking responsibly but still that voice of hers makes me nervous coming from a woman. Now if she looked like Vin Diesel I might instead of being anxious become a bit more excited. If she had the body to match it well than hi ho silver I might ride that pony real good nice and forward too.

Women showing there Peekachu and Gallopies in Public

            I wrote about working out at gyms quite a while ago. I have to say I believe it is time to remind people of etiquette at the gym. Frankly some people I have noticed have not received the memo on proper clothing as well as behavior in gyms. I feel that when working out it is important to cover up the important parts of our bodies that may draw attention. Let’s pretend like we have some home training and not some hoochie coo with her peekachu all exposed.

             I was at the gym and this woman who I see all the time there was working out.  She has big fake boobs, a super tiny waist, and a tight perky little butt on her. She walks around the gym with her boobs all pushed up and flirts with all the men, who naturally stare at her galoppies as they stay nice and perky, and stay afloat while she is in the pool acting as her life preserver.

            As she is working out is on this machine, of course trying to get attention she was looking like some real big hooch. She was lying face down on this machine, bent over holding a weight. Her legs stable so she has to use her back and abs to come up while holding the weight. So as she goes up and down her perky little butt is airborne for all of LA Fitness to see. Than for icing on the cake if you were in front of her as she lifts up what do you get to see? Yes her perky boobs nicely pushed up together.

            I am thinking in my mind is this really necessary? I mean do we truly need to watch your boobs and butt all in the air? And when you switch sides do we really need to have your legs in the air? Please have respect for others because no one wants to see all that business. I am sure some men do but for the rest of the world let’s not do that. Go to the gym, get in your workout and that’s it. Quit drawing attention to yourself by working out like a giant skank.  Then when men come up to talk with her she is all sweaty, with sweaty boobs and these shorts that are coochie cutters so when she does the squats in front of the mirror she has her legs spread and about half the men’s gym looking at her.

            Hopefully she is reading this, if you are the woman who does this please have respect for my gorgeous brown eyes and not do such movements. The thought of her funky peekachu creeps me out quite a bit.  Just attend the gym, do what you are there for, and be done. And do not put on a bikini and do those things by the hot tub; that is my only other request please.

Weird Shit at Universal

So its been a bit since I wrote up a new note. I went today to see Chelsea Handler it was so cool! She was gone, she is on vacation so a fun thing the show did was have Chuy do a meet and greet! So that was really cool! A crazy thing that happened that was too weird-I ran into an ex’s friend! So were standing in line and the woman checking us in asks for names and stuff and then  said to us “ oh did you maybe come in a group?” I am like “oh ya I’m sure there is a group of them I don’t know the main person’s name though”?  So awe get it squared away, I was invited through a group, I didn’t know who was the main group person in charge. Come to find out it was a gay softball league! Love it! Gay baseball players with big pieces of wood I love it! SO anyway this guy keeps telling me, I sware I have seen you before. Im like oh gosh what a creep, than he chats with his friend “doesn’t he look familiar?” This other guy was cute, and there laughing stating oh ya you must be running around West Hollywood huh? I have haha but not that much really and if at all just more recently. I have been hanging out with one of my old friends and she is so fun! We have been hanging out going to more gay clubs and stuff. Anyway the guy starts talking about a friend named Steven, and than his face comes to my mind! He is the friend of the guy I used to date! Like 3 years ago? Funny thing I was with Abi at the time too! She was with me when we met Steven and his friend. I was like wow-this is kind of weird? Steven was cool, I will always remember Steven… he was that baseball player.

Go figure, very funny though!

Horoscopes/Palm Reading

I have been reading some good horoscopes that I really like. They are telling me all this cool stuff like about love life, and good things will happen and blah blah.

A lot of them are talking about positive things in the career front. I hope some of this comes true. I had my palm read by a psychic, and she told me I was going to die young. I was in high school and she told me this?! It was during our schools grad party thing, I had a blast. Lots of fun! Things to climb on, food, games, make music videos, free stuff, prizes, gift cards I had so much fun! I would redo high school again in a heartbeat it was the best!

So im sitting down getting my palm read and the woman is looking at it going “well you’re going to die young. You’re going to die riding something.” Now I am being serious! Most people know I train horses, and when I was younger people knew I rode too.

So when she said that I didn’t have anything horse related, or anything on. I didn’t so much have a motocross thing or anything! I don’t know how she got that but she did. So since high school I always wondered but as of yet I am still kicking thankfully.

 

I thought for a short bit to be a whale trainer. I have always really liked killer whales, I have always loved horses but thought killer whales were too cool. Maybe she thought I was going to go off and still be a whale trainer this is before I went to Meredith Manor. After going there and training, and training horses now I actually have a really good shot at doing that! I inquired a little and with all the horse training they look at that as a positive thing. Any animal training is good but larger animals are much better.

 

I’m glad I stuck with the horses but I am always curious on the killer whales.

Liking People When You May Not Like Them

I think I am a pretty honest person. I don’t think I walk around hurting people’s feelings, However if asked a question, I think I can respond in a very honest yet diplomatic manner.

For the most part. I am only human however.

So I have a second person who I am aware of that I make nervous. They genuinely don’t want to be around me because I make them nervous?

 I don’t know how to take that. I myself wouldn’t give a shit, however this person in question is important to someone that I love. So there for I will make an honest effort to get to know this person. Since they are important to someone who is important to me, I can bend over backwards. And try and see if I like them, or just pretend, either way I can work on it. I could be stuck with them for a long time. So I figure try and see the good in them, but they need to toughen up a little bit. I haven’t said anything really rude as far as I am concerned. One thing is vaguely coming to mind but it wasn’t that deep. Grow a set and quit whining like a bitch.

I mean it’s not like I am so hard.  I wear pink and have a belly ring? Really am not the butchest guy around you get my flow?

Sometimes I say things that may be a bit offensive (pardon me) but let’s not freak out.

I will be working on talking extremely nice to people, have a big smile, and go out of my way to be so friendly. At least to this person.

I can only please one person per day, today was not their day. Tomorrow doesn’t look too good either.

 

Any thoughts or ideas on pleasing people and making them think I like them please contact me. This is a new territory for me.

Kids bat shit crazy

So it has been a bit I have been so busy! However that is no excuse, I should still be posting at least once a week if not more.

This time I was thinking I was very lucky. Things are good, work is good, school is good, and love life is doing well. So I really shouldn’t come with anything other than positive right? Well I wouldn’t be myself if I only did that. So I must bitch.

 

I had a student’s father who is so annoying ask if the girls when they take water breaks can do so in the shade. Or when I talk with the girls do so in the shade because it is so warm out.

Now I don’t know about you but I always thought riding was more of an outdoor sport? We also live in Southern California.

I am from Detroit so we do have covered arenas but we only used them in the winter. Or unless it was made so all four sides opened completely so plenty of air got through, the tractors, and made it more of an outside arena that just covered.

Basically I am saying he is fucking stupid. The spot of shade consists of a patch of shade from the hours of 9-12 AM that is 4 x 6 feet.

 

Let’s get real if you can’t hang get the fuck out. Go play tennis or something. I don’t feel like putting up with your ass. Get a water bottle, put on some sun screen so your kid doesn’t turn into a fucking lobster, and shut the fuck up. Do you think soccer coaches go “oh sweetie were all winners! Let’s go have a water break in the middle of the game cause your little legs are sore” (conveniently when you have to kick the horse more vs cluck all day long?) Humm..

A little vitamin D wouldn’t kill her, she sits on the fucking IPhone all day and she is 7 years old! When I was 7 I had a fucking Breyer horse that was it! When I got the toy barn I was ecstatic these kids get whatever the hell they want. Little bastards!

 

This little kid in question runs shit with parents, well little honey not with me. I will kick you out real quick. I already told her if she can’t do certin things she will get moved out to a different group. That is it, this kid tests my patience. And I think I am pretty patient, I like kids. But when I have had it I don’t care shut the hell up and do it or get out. I have had it! She always wants to ride one damn horse, well sister you sure won’t be jumping with me if you can only kick it on good pookie bear. What they hell is going to happen when pookie bear gets sick, or dies? You won’t cut it on the back of a horse.

I wasn’t able to work for Olympic level people by dicking around on little fucking Pumpkin ya know? So either get your head out of your ass or run your stirrups up and get out!

Ahhhhh I feel better! Off for another cup of coffee!

 

Xoxo Gossip Boy

Online Dating Bloopers Part 2

                                                   Online Dating Bloopers Part 2

 

 

After writing part one of Online Dating Bloopers this gentleman called me. Hahaha

Now being the nice guy I am I chatted with him. I have no intentions of anything to come of it (EVER!) but we did end up chatting for a bit and it was totally fine.

After talking on the phone for a few minutes I naturally bring up the purple elephant that is over the phone.
“So that evening I texted you and you showed your date my text? What the hell was that? ”   
He stated that he would NEVER show his date a text from a prior guy he was dating while actually on the date, that would just be so disrespectful.
That he was showing his date a text from another person who magically at the same time I texted him was ALSO texting him.

I must have gone and bumped my head, what was I thinking? That makes so much more sense. I stated to him he was lying, and full of shit.

Whatever dumbass.
I mean it’s not like “we” are going to go anywhere so I didn’t care if I insulted him by calling him a liar. It won’t have me losing sleep by calling him out on his shit by any means. I however find it so funny he has to lie to me? Men are so dumb sometimes. Let's just be honest people what is so hard?

He also stated that I was crazy; he thought I was going to jump out the bush’s as they were walking back.
Me CRAZY? I don’t know if I have ever been called that before? Actually, I have.
He said he was paranoid! That truly made my day, it really did. I know that sounds horrible, maybe disturbing to some people. I can live with it though. I know I sound like a nut job; it humors me to think that I made some guy that nervous.  
He said I sent messages that made him feel like he was being watched.
Well deerrr.. I could see you but you couldn’t see me; hello? I said “what did it feel like a chick in a horror film running up the stairs instead of out the front door?”
He just thought I was crazy. I busted out laughing so hard, he actually asked me if I am crazy? If i have ever been commited? 

While being on a date, I made him that nervous he didn’t enjoy his date quite as much. Haha…he didn’t enjoy it because little 5’4 Chris threw out a few text messages.
 I just find that hilarious. I knew in sending them he would think that at it really bothered me he was with someone. I told him I knew he would think that and that it was ok I was doing it for shits and giggles. He kind of paused over the phone for a second, and made a comment. Something along the lines of “so you thought that was funny?”  The only response I could come up with is laughing and saying “oh ya, I thought it was funny shit!”

Maybe that is why I am still single; I need a man who has bigger balls when I go off my rocker. I know I can be nuts, my ex could tell you that but hey I don’t act crazy just for no reason. You act up, I got’s to check you.

Point, blank, period.

Anywho that night after dinner she and I ended up chatting it up with some guys at some bar in Weho. It was fun. And she got her pictures with some drag queens.

Gay yes I am, into drag..ahh not so much.

When Stupid People Flap There Baa-zoo

                                   When Stupid People Flap There Baa-zoo



Hello world!

Today as I was reading through an old journal I noticed a piece from when I was back at the Manor. I will opt to leave her name out, but this wonderful girl was pretty stupid.

The girl was some snooty brat from Orange County somewhere. She couldn’t really ride, but she looked good on a horse so long as he was perfect.

 She had the audacity to say well I don’t like how Chris rides. Now you do not have to like how I ride that is no big deal. But how is she going to not like how I ride, than going to say how she liked the horse I trained? 

Yup that makes no sense, she is stupid.

You don’t like me but the horse that I did myself was the only one to ride her for over a year you love? Call your trainer and want them to go buy her for a client?

Your looney tunes girlfriend.

When she first found out that the horse she really enjoyed riding was trained by me she I can only imagine how freaking stupid she felt.

 

Now that is just one thing, so she didn’t like me. Oh well not everyone does.  I don’t need a pat on the back I was just reading and thought wow, this girl was nuts. She also went off her rocker a little bit when some girl ruined her tire cover. Haha that was funny. I forgot how that came about but I remember whatever it was she deserved it.

 Wow I remember good times there, after 3 years I met some wonderful people.

 

Karma was a bitch; it bit her in the ass. I read once “karma is a bitch-what goes around comes around.   If you’re lucky god will let you watch” and he let me watch just a little bit. Actually I have had two times I clearly remember I was able to watch something unravel that normally I would be upset for that person for. That would make me horrible to say I enjoyed it but I think we can’t treat people like crap all the time and not have some reparations for our actions.  

 

I just remember that, and thought it was funny shit. I wonder whatever happened of her…she must be off running her mouth somewhere irritating others yet again. She was good at that.

I just felt that for all the people that get hated on-your not the only one! Keep on keeping!

Trimming Up Your Man Bush

                                                          Trimming Your Man Bush



                                           

I am going to touch today on a subject that is very important and dear to my heart. Especially when at the gym you like to get naked for moments. You must not let yourself go crazy down there.

Yesterday I was at the gym, a gentleman, of Latin decent was getting undressed. Naturally I want to casually check out his goods I mean who wouldn’t right? Than off come the boxers and I swore it was Lacandon jungle down there!

For those of you who don’t get it, that jungle is Mexico’s last remaining jungles-a little piece of trivia for you.

When it is so crazy that I can’t see your piece of meat like I should be able to I think a problem has surfaced don’t you? Think of his poor girlfriend and what she has to go through. I’m thinking of her this is me being the giver I am. She must not be able to communicate with him that it is not appropriate to let himself go.

This is why people say communication is a must in all relationships.

What are a few great ways to share with your significant other that let’s try and have a spring cleaning. My personal favorite would be to say “honey boo boo child, handle your shit please.”

Now if that doesn’t work for you I suggest maybe make it fun so the both of you can enjoy it. Or casually bring it up as you both are relaxing one evening on the couch not doing much in a very nonabrasive manner. You don’t want to hurt his feelings right?

For the sake of this post I will stick to just men I just ate breakfast and I don’t want to think about vaginas and what grows down or around there.

Summer is winding down; let’s think of it as a fall cleaning shall we?

When Funny Shit Happens to Stupid People

When Funny Shit Happens to Stupid People

So I sound horrible for typing that line, I will admit it. It is really funny though when people who lack common sense decide to do something and there is nothing but entertainment waiting. It is hysterical, truly good stuff. Frequently it is so good that it is like watching a movie. Being a horse trainer I have people tell me all sorts of stories. My uncle had pookie bear at his farm and we would gallop, or my favorite is well my sister got thrown when in reality pookie bear was cantering and your dumbass sister fell off because pumpkin looked at a squirrel.

These people either have one of two approaches. They either think I really am interested (sometimes I am if I like you otherwise I don’t give a shit) or they think I don’t know what I am talking about because at 26 what do I know? I mean I wasn’t privileged growing up having an $80,000 jumper thrown at me to go show at Devon. However I worked hard, went to school, rode anything and everything thrown at me and have worked for Olympic level Dressage and Jumper trainers. She actually called me twice asking for me to ride for her cause her current rider for a jumper can’t work a horse on the flat for shit. So I know a thing or two. Not a lot, just a thing or two.

While I was chatting with a woman she was telling me a story about how her daughter and she decided to go riding together. How precious-right? I can feel this already going somewhere I knew it shouldn’t. They went riding her daughter a mere 50 pounds, 10 years old and been riding over a year but once a week. Not very strong physically, however a very hardworking kid and quite brave for her age so when she gets older I could see her blossom into a good rider. The mother had been on a horse like a handful of times, and not within the past 20 years. Oh snap, this is going to be good right?

They decided on vacation they want to ride across that big open field together laughing with no helmets, no saddles and just ride like the wind. Sweet Jesus does that sound scary!

Any who the child goes off into the canter I am told on some big horse. Well that scares me because she barely can stay on pookie bear jr. So sending her off on a 16 hand anything makes me a little nervous, thank god I wasn’t watching. Moms horse takes off to follow because let’s get real horses are herd animals.

Horses when together if one goes they all go, sometimes broncing as little Suzy hangs on for dear life.

Let’s picture mother, not an avid equestrian at a forward canter (possibly a hand gallop because they are loose in a BIG field with just bridles on) flopping around like a ragdoll being tossed around, trying to hang on the 1,100 pound animal.

Holy shit is all I have to say. Oh. My. Gosh. I myself am scared sitting in my kitchen typing this currently.

The mother while trying to hang on makes it only so far before she falls off from a galloping horse and hits the ground landing less than four feet from a huge tree. Now could you imagine hitting that tree from a cantering or galloping horse? Let alone without a helmet on at that? I don’t think it would tickle, or as a student told me once “brighten someone’s day” I believe that child is right it will not brighten anyone’s day, what was she thinking? Let alone send your child off to do the same thing as well? Thank god the child and she are both fine, nothing broken.  I swear stupid people should not breed.  

When Older People Say Stupid Shit

When Older People Say Stupid Shit

So today I am chatting with some woman, she is older and a bit “old school” if I was to categorize her.  I have known her for a little bit now, she is not a prude, and typically very nonjudgmental in many ways. So after today and what she said I still very much don’t hold anything against her by any means. However she flapped her chops and I think should remember A) she is talking to a gay guy and B) this is 2012 wake up! Times have changed and I don’t see our society going back to how it was 40 years ago.

I am chatting with this woman about a young teen who at quite an early age came out to her family and friends about being a lesbian. I have known this girl for a few years now, a very outgoing young lady.  Not a butch nor a lipstick lesbian type she is I’m just a girl, who has both her very girly and tom boy moments. She loves her highlights and manicures while playing baseball with the boys. You really can’t stereotype this one; she rolls to her own beat for sure.

The woman and I were chatting over coffee at Starbucks and she mentioned I can’t believe the girl came out so young. This girl realized her sexual identity at 13, young but old enough she clearly knew she was not into guys.

Unlike me Baywatch always did a little too much, I loved David Chokachi.

PS-David if you ever read this, call me. No seriously you’re super sexy.

 The woman states “I mean wouldn’t you keep it in the closet till you have to deal with it a bit more”?

I’m thinking in my mind well the girl came to conclusion about her sexuality around 13 almost 14 isn’t that when kids start having their first boyfriend or girlfriend?

I ask the woman “At 14 weren’t you interested in guys”? She responds “well I thought boys were cute but my parents didn’t let me date really.”

Informing her I think the girl was awesome for knowing herself and having the guts to deal with that at such a young age. Get it out the way and have the rest of your life as a big ol lesbian! Why would the girl “keep it in the closet”? If you know what is up why not roll with it? She had the balls to deal with it, she was braver than I. At the same age I knew I was different, hell I knew at like 6 I was. I don’t think people just wake up and claim to be gay all of a sudden, you knew early on you more FAB than everyone else.

As were talking casually about it, I didn’t get all emo over it or anything. Like I said I know the woman really has a great heart. I was just thinking how society has changed in such a short time really. I think it was in the 70’s being gay was considered a mental disorder if I am correct? Now pushing 40 years later we have movies about it, sitcoms, same sex marriage in some states, and a lot of people being open about how they live there life. It made me thankful I was born when I was as well as having the family I do have.  

I just remember thinking over coffee today how I view things now at 26 versus someone who are in there mid 50’s is so different. Most people say to me “well your still so young” like it is a bad thing.  I have met so many older people who sometimes I think wow you have kids and a mortgage in your name? Or if there really looney tunes wow your married-someone puts up with your shit every day?

This girl is a great example of knowing one self and having the balls to say screw it and live the life she wants that makes her happy.  More people should do that in this world, whatever it may be that makes you happy.

Live the life you want that makes you happy. So long as it doesn’t cramp my style than I might gouge your eyes out.

Online Dating Bloopers

For a while now I have dabbled in the online dating phase. Who is with me admitting it? Everyone when they admit to it someone is like “oh my gosh, that is so weird!”  Whatever, how am I going to meet anyone between work, school, trying to have a social life as well as my own “me time” so I not kill anyone?

 What I have found, is not looking good. If the man is so very handsome, and on here, there is a reason. If you look like you belong in a Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, have your own place, car, and a job and are a yummy Italian who is only a mere 30 years old yet still can’t nail down someone (at least for long term) there is a reason!

 Well except for me, I am like perfect, right? No we all have faults but I am using it since I am so busy. I work with all much older people, no one new floats through work, nor grocery store, or the gym. How am I going to meet anyone, I’m not getting any younger!

The dating scene especially I feel like here in Los Angeles is so off the wall. Especially for us gays, I mean with everyone wanting some worked out body, or someone with hang up about their sexuality still in your forties-I don’t have time for that. Get on the band wagon. We all make a choice and mine is to be strictly dickly!

 Par example; I was dating this guy, nice guy, mildly attractive and the first Latin guy I have dated. I love Latin, Italian or black guys but for some reason I always wind up dating some white guy. Oh well, vanilla works right? Any who I didn’t find out till after our first date he didn’t have a car. Red flag went up.

 I opted to not throw in the towel just yet, maybe ask a few questions. He tells me well “I need to get it fixed; I just haven’t taken it in yet. Also I live in Hollywood, I can walk anywhere I need to, and my job is just a few blocks away”.

I decide to not pry to much more and basically throw in the towel. This is not New York City, nor you Carrie Bradshaw. Anyone who lives in LA knows living in LA could mean you are anywhere in a million mile radius. This guy is nuts, nor is he not that cute for me to stick around for basically. Or drive him everywhere when we need to go out. I live in the valley and always have to trek over the hill to see him? Or is he going to walk down the 101 to come over? Call me an ass, I don’t care or shallow, whatever.

 Fast forward a few weeks later my friend takes me to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants in West Hollywood for my birthday. After having a drink waiting for a seat not a minute later I am being some immature dumbass looking through the holes in the seat divider that separates our table to the entrance. I comment “cool, what if you wanted to spy on someone? How cool!” I notice this guy I used to see sitting with some guy who he is obviously on some date with. Ironic don’t you think?

Naturally the next thing to do is text him. Yes I did, and boy was it funny. Let’s get real; truthfully I didn’t really like him. I didn’t care he was really dating someone else.  

I thought it would be just for shits and giggles you know?

 I text a friendly hello what’s up and the douche bag shows my text to his date! I can only imagine what he said “oh look this guy I used to see getting at me haha, what a loser”.

Oh no that little prick. So I write back “hey asshole quit showing my text to your anorexic looking date, let him enjoy that taco you fucker”.

The look on his eyes was awesome, as he quietly looks around. I just thought it was so funny. I swore I felt like I was in an episode of Punked and Ashton Kutcher was going to jump out and yell “YOU HAVE BEEN PUNKED!”

After a few more immature texts back and forth as me and my friend are laughing our ass’ off thinking this is unreal, he and the date quickly walk out. I write once more just to put some icing on the cake, “Hope you have a nice walk home asshole!”

 Alright, I know this was so very childish but hey I’m out having dinner for my birthday! I can be an ass just a little right? It is fun!

Shortly later he responds with some piss poor response on how I am an asshole, blah blah, this new guy is so great and how his Mercedes has been fixed and his new boyfriend drives it “oh so good”.  Blow me, I don’t care if there is a Rolls Royce and a brand new Range Rover parked next to the Mercedes. All I ask is the man has a freaking running car.

How can I introduce a so so looking guy with no car to friends and family? I am sorry my family would be like he is 30 years old, what a scrub. I would have TLC playing all through the house.

Moral of the story, I was so right to kick him to the curb. And you want to add some sprinkles to that cake? He gets at me a month later; he is still single and wants to go out again. I turned on TLC’s No Scrubs and never looked back. However I am still single, so if anyone knows a decent man, with a job, a car, and place to live, you know how to get at me. ChrisDCervantes@gmail.com

Till next time-ride it like you stole it!