What flavor man is sissy pants vanilla, mocha, caramel or chocolate?

 

 

 

            This past week I met a friend for margaritas at the best Mexican restaurant in Burbank. We got to talking about the differences in dating men from all races. Were both half Latin of some sort so we know how our blood lines run. If you have only dated one particular race you obviously won’t have much to go on. I will say there is a bit of a difference and I think it is funny. It’s funny because being half Mexican sometimes I have been known to act a little crazy at times and men who are not used to all that “loudness” sometimes get a little scared.

            My family happens to be the whole united nation; we have it all other than some Asian stuff. I have myself dated mostly white guys but a couple Mexican guys, and even a Brazilian. I have always wanted to date a nice Puerto Rican and black guy mix. Or  Mexican and Creole mix too that would be sexy a man with a complexion of peanut butter, some green eyes, maybe a little color in their hair from the SoCal sun and holy smokes give me some of that business!

            We were talking about when dating white guys and how they get a little scared if you go off your rocker in some way shape or form. Whether it’s what you do or what you say, scares them a bit easy.  I have only came across one white guy who if I went off my rocker a little bit by what I said he didn’t freak. I have been known to say “the wrong things” purposely just because if I think they might work I should give them a little test. Now all these other white guys freak out and hit the freeway. I remember one white guy I dated; he was the best guy ever! He was super sweet, handsome, very affectionate, extremely giving, and just really the best man around. He liked buying me stuff, I won’t lie you keep all these qualities I will do whatever you want sir!  

            One day we were hanging out and he mentioned something about a big maybe not wanting kids. He asked me if I wanted them and I said of course. I want two kids, a home in Toluca Lake, I want my husband to buy the golf course so I can have our home built on it. Then I want two small paddocks with a small barn and arena built for my two horses, a pet goat, with a chicken coop too. Also pool cause I love swimming and laying out, with my jeep wrangler. My handsome husband can do any career of his choice! I will work part time take the kids to school, ride my two horses early before I go off to work for a few hours. Than come home and get the kids and I will still take care of stuff at home too. He goes “wow, so you’re going to do all that?  What if when you’re older you don’t want kids, keep that in mind?”

             Now I know myself well enough to know my wants. I told him basically I will never be serious with a man who will not give me kids I will kick him to the curb. He will just be a good time guy that’s it. The guy I was dating said “alright well if you want kids I will have kids with you. You however might have to change a lot of diapers!” That’s ok, I can compromise see, I am a giver too.

 He said he might not be able to buy a golf course and build a home on it in Toluca Lake. We could live in Thousand Oaks or Camarillo and get a little farm since parts are zoned for horses. Although I knew I was not in love with him I thought that was really sweet of him and have yet to meet someone who said they would do that for me.

            For a guy I have to say I am impressed. The last white guy I ever lost my marbles on I threw stuff in his front yard, after he pissed me off. I thought he was with another guy and I was like hell no. All this mature crap makes me sick. I threw anything he gave me in a bag and threw it all over his front yard. Have you ever seen Bringing Down the House with Queen Latifah?  I blew up his phone and left him a crazy message and told him how much of a piece of crap he is (I actually used other words) and to this day the poor man still freaks and can’t look me in the eye. That is the truth, I have run into him at the mall and he literally stopped looked at me, looked the other way and ran out of Macy’s. We have a special history, and buy special I mean to this day I still would set his house on fire but orange stripes don’t work for me and I am way too delicate to go to jail. I have hid in a truck too to see where he was out and out with too! I won’t even say a few other crazy things I have done, this will get put on the internet. I even hope one day he reads this. I really do. I would still slap him, or do a Lisa Left Eye Lopes on him and set his house on fire. I am not ashamed, most people tell me I should be and that is so immature. You know what; I was younger during that time so that’s my excuse. And I am half Mexican, were nuts. I mean really freaking nuts. I would do it again to if he made me mad enough. I don’t mind sharing it because I know somewhere out there some black woman has done that too. You know Tyler Perry’s Madea I swear she is true inspiration. Also in the movie “Waiting to Exhale” when she sets that car on fire honey I will do some crazy stuff too. Deep down I am sure I was some black woman in another life. I had a great weave too I just know it.

            The last Mexican guy I dated I ran into him when I was at a restaurant. He didn’t know I had seen him at the same time out with another guy on a date. I saw him as I was peeking through this little hole in the side wall, I was with my friend and we started laughing. I felt like I was in movie, making comments about what if you could spy on someone and who is there but a guy I was dating not too long prior. I started to text him just for fun and mess with him. He got offended by my comments, naturally they were rude, and very crude! If you know me and my mouth, they sky is the limit! After he received my texts they both got up and got the check pretty quick.

             It was so funny I just did it for entertainment. We talked after the incident and he didn’t take offense to it. I swear if he was not Mexican he probably would have freaked out and called the cops.

I an’t scared of no po po !!

Men and Funky Feet!

             I am not quite sure what is with men, and not taking care of their feet. I really don’t. I recently was at a Labor Day BBQ and we were sitting around the lovely fire pit and I had one guy notice my feet and said “so I notice you have like no hair on your feet at all.”

 

A) Thanks for noticing my feet

B) No I have no small patch of hair there I think it is gross

C) I think feet are gross especially men with a patch of hair on their foot is even grosser

D) I keep mine nice, toe nails trimmed, and lotioned; I have been told multiple times by friends and boyfriends I have nice feet for a guy

 

            So this guy thinks I am odd for shaving any little bit of hair on my foot. He is making jokes like “really, I like it, and sometimes I get cold so it keeps me warm.”  Very cute, real cute. Even when I am at the gym and I see guys walk around (sometimes not in flip flops-GROSS!) and they have the funkiest feet. Like do you not have any shame? I mean toe nails all long; what are you doing? I mean warding off predators? Or maybe you are trying to grate cheese? I think funky feet are so nasty! Keep decent hygiene, your girlfriend or boyfriend does not want to be hugged up with someone with funky feet. If you have funky feet, it will not work. I even once went on a date with someone who had the audacity to show up, in flip flops with funky feet. Needless to say he was not that cute, had funky feet, made great money but I am sorry I could not go back out with him.

           

            Nothing is worse than seeing a handsome man, nice chest, big arms, great hair, nice legs, and work your way down to ugly feet. It is painful for me to have to can him but he will have to go if he can’t keep that mess right.  There is no way in hell will I climb onto bed ever with some man with funky feet. I will inform you if I think you might work but need to handle your business better. If I have to do that and that is our “big problem” you must fix that because I cannot budge on that.

Hollywood LOOSER!

            I have tried this internet dating thing for a bit now, and I have to say it really is still bull. When I first read these online profiles, I was excited! I thought of it as basically boyfriend shopping, you see what you like, see what you don’t, just pick through the men.  See who is cute, who has the perfect amount of sexy facial hair, which is tall enough, and who has whatever it is your looking for.  Sometimes I would just cut and paste the same opening line to 10 different men and see who responds. I mean easy as cake so I thought.

            I think my first online profile was on match.com years ago and let me tell you, relationship wise I have not gotten any further. I have been on plenty of dates (from internet and non internet) and still no luck. Loser, after loser, after loser. 

            When reading these profiles typically you see a few pictures that may (or may not) catch your eye. Then I tend to scan on down, reading stat’s on them. See what they enjoy for fun, what they do for a living, hopefully they have a car as well. You read a bio on them and pray to god what you’re reading is the truth. I myself don’t put false information on my profiles. I am real; honey I like to be in the water swimming, kayaking, or skim boarding as much as I like to sit my butt on the couch and eat a burrito from Chipotle. You should also be honest enough to write that I expect. I can’t stand it when I see someone with ONE picture of them hiking and acting like there so active. They try to present themselves like they are so athletic when in reality there floppy butt hasn’t hiked anywhere other than to the fridge from the couch. Than you two meet and what happens; you find some frumpy floppy looking thing out of breath trying to hike the Santa Monica Mountains because he was like “let’s go on a hike.” You don’t hike the mountains in Malibu every weekend, bike 4 miles 3 times a week, an avid runner  3 times a week and look like that sweetie who are you fooling?

            One guy emailed me; we talked for about a week. Claimed oh he hikes Runyon all the time, and is a celebrity makeup artist, loves the outdoors, and of course presents himself in the best light. Ok we all want to but, again I am straight honest and must remember not everyone else is.

            We meet and reality is he has no car, he said he would rather use a taxi. However his car is in his parking spot all broken down. Than he boasts everyone comes to him, he stays in his little Hollywood proximity because he wants to live in “Hollywood” where the glitter falls from the sky I guess. Glitter must drizzle on top of the homeless crack heads as well I imagine, Hollywood is so dirty.  I am thinking how the hell do you get around LA? If I can manage to support myself (in a profession that really is not a real money maker anyway no man will be with me cause I have some good bank), have an apartment, (although tiny) feed and pay my own bills myself, have a stable job, enroll in school again to wrap up a degree, and support my damn horse you better be able to do something productive with yourself.

             The man works at a high end department store where he sells Tom Ford make up; not sure where “celebrity makeup artist” ever came in other than he did two celebrities make up before for an event. I recently ran into him at the store shopping with a friend and all he could do was name drop; Tyra Banks, Steve Martin and how great it is to see them. Like he actually does lunch with Tyra? And please do you think I care? Literally I left work, had no change of clothes. I am wearing my nasty horse slobbered breeches, slip on Ralph Lauren shoes (that although used to be cute are no longer from wearing to work) and my arm pits I could only imagine stunk, and wearing a hat walking through Neman Marcus in Beverly Hills. Even my friend was a little embarrassed how awful I looked but I couldn’t help it she wanted me to go so honey this is what’s up.

            Now I am not knocking him for what he does or how he lives but let’s be real and present yourself accurately. If I do why can’t others? Again I am NOT in a profession for which I ever expect to make really great money; I do it because I love horses. I don’t have some great retirement fund that is doing oh so wonderful currently; I work full time and am a student again. That equals not wealthy.          

            Needless to say he got kicked to the curb real quick. He also was not that cute. You have no bank, and you’re not cute, not a hard worker, I am sorry you have to go; good day.

Who hides the salami?

            I have been asked by many different people this one question about gay relationships; who is the top and who is the bottom? How do you know which position to take? Do you talk about it prior or just jump in and see who goes for the ride?

            When a guy is interested in another guy you kind of get the vibe early on as far as what their stance is. Yes you tend to talk about it very casually, and after hearing answers you find out who likes what. When one guy is pursuing another between the two of them they know who rolls which way pretty much. It is a vibe you just know.

            If it is a bit questionable you can be flat out honest and question him about it. I mean really I have had men ask me “so what are you, more a top or bottom?”  It is something you need to know, so being able to talk about that with that person is important. You don’t want two bottoms trying to play bumper cars? Or two tops trying to play hide the salami? You want to be like goldilocks, you want it just right!

            Now I definitely am not into vaginas so I am not sure how lesbians work. If they talk about who wants to be the “guy” with an artificial toy or maybe not at all? They obviously are not into penises so I myself would think they are not wanting any of that business. I think for them bumper cars works just fine. I should do some research and ask a few of my lesbian friends what they tend to like. Maybe next week’s blog needs a recap.

            Really, is this something straight people think about? I wonder because anyone who has been curious and asked me is always straight so maybe it crosses their mind more than I think? Maybe the cute straight guy who works at Starbucks who I wish I could ride till the cows come home really is gay or at least curious. Good for me.           

            How do you know what you like, well you just know. You know what floats your boat and if you don’t know you will find out eventually, right? I myself found what I like very early on. So as an educator I feel it is important to say follow your heart! You know what you like deep down so roll with it and go with the flow. But make sure you’re squeaky clean if you flow that way! You don’t want to give him Hershey kisses!

Curiosity won’t kill the cat-I swear!

 

            I met a guy; he was just a casual acutance. Well that’s actually a lie but I won’t say how or where I met him because than everyone will ask-“I bet I know!” And then before you know it he will have some melt down and go into therapy.

            He was very cute, nice deep voice, good body and great hair. We didn’t really talk or hit it off in the beginning at all. Neither he nor I were very outgoing at first, nor did I really care about getting to know him. He was nice but I didn’t really think much of him at first. All of our mutual friends swore he was straight even though I kind of got a little different vibe. He was good at keeping the straight guy vibe strong and most people don’t question and just go with the flow.

            He lived by me and we started hanging out more and more. We would run and work out together since we both had a few days during the week with a similar work schedule. Sometimes he would come over and we would go swimming too, and grab something to eat. In the beginning I didn’t really question much, I just hung out and he was some guy who I am becoming friends with. After a short bit (in my opinion too short for a straight guy whom I was not super good friends with REALLY) he would ask a lot of gay related questions. He would also make a lot of gay jokes, they were funny I would laugh and he could tell I got a kick out of it. He was very comfortable with gay guys he said and it didn’t bother him at all. I of course became a little more intrigued; I mean he is a cute guy, good age, handsome, and made me feel tingly all over; and I liked it.

             But are straight men that interested in gay stuff? Do they wink at you when they are around you, and do they ask questions about gay sex? Flirt with you talking about where they can stick there piece of meat? So of course I thought he was secretly gay and swore up and down it would come out of his mouth eventually! I just patiently waited and praying he would need a friend, I will be his friend!

            Nope it never did, ever. I started talking with him more openly about whatever he wanted to know and that was it. He never pressed the issue; nothing! I talked with him about EVERYTHING gay and he liked it. When I would make gay jokes back he would get a kick out of it. One day he wrote on my wall on facebook; something gay and he thought it was funny. So naturally I had to write back about him being strictly dickly, and he deleted it! I questioned him on why he deleted it he said that it was inappropriate for everyone to see. Are you joking? You ask lots of gay random stuff, say whatever and I don’t get offended. When he talks about how sharing is caring and both men should be the pitchers and receivers in the relationship I don’t get “butt hurt” over it but yet he gets all pissy like a brat?  

            Since then we have not talked much. Not really because of that specifically however it definitely is a part of it I am sure. I mean I am over it; it’s not that deep by any means. I’m not sure he is over it, or maybe he just suppresses his emotions. It has been awhile and he still has not come around much nor have we talked. Men are so strange; they hold grudges over so many damn things. If he really is gay he most likely has some issue over his sexuality. I will work on being sensitive to his feelings should we cross paths much again. I thought I was being nice but, I guess I was wrong-oops. However if he reads this feel free to stop by I will give you a big kiss and make it feel better. J  

Big ol' lesbian

            A few weeks ago I was in West Hollywood; gay palooza I love it! A friend and I were going into one of our favorite bars for the cheap drinks, casual attire, and close proximity to where we live anyway. I mean we got two drinks for $9 bucks can’t go wrong huh? On top of everything parking is a breeze, free with no valet, and always parking either on the side or in the back. We’re heading in and the security guard is no other than a butched up, heavy set Asian lesbian who stands at almost 6 ft. She is wearing jean shorts that come past her knees and a jean cut off with a wife beater under it. Some sneakers, smoking a cigarette and she is who we must past to join the other mo’s in the bar.

            I am thinking in my mind, wow this is one scary butch. Really, I wouldn’t want to piss her off she would knock a bitch into next week. If two homo’s were bitch slapping each other; she easily could break up that cat fight. I just find it amazing that this whole bar, with about 98% being gay guys, throw in a couple hags and this bar hires her to woop anyones ass who is disrupting the ora of hot guys; either getting lit hoping for a number if not actually putting one of those free condoms to use!

            As my friend and I walk up she smiles in a friendly manner and offers us a cigarette. We both politely decline, I don’t smoke and my friend is too anxious to get her Rum and Coke on. Walking into the bar we pass the rest rooms that by the way have a hole at eye level. That creeps me out, whenever I have to use it I have her watch the door, could you imagine being the fool who has to take a huge dump and someone looks through the hole? Now I wouldn’t take a dump at a bar but maybe a good piss. She notices the hanging box with all the free condoms and lube and is like oh lets grab a bunch. As we check out the condom packages they all have different LA designs and she keeps them. Not to use but for souvenirs; she is a weirdo. We order some drinks, a Rum and Coke for her and a Tequila Sunrise for me. You can’t go wrong at $9 bucks for two drinks right? After one more drink we end up heading out for the night. I had work in the morning as usual must teach little Suzy how to sit a bump at the rising trot cause I need a paycheck.  

            On our way out we pass the security guard once more. I think it is wonderful that she can have a great career as a door “woman” at a gay bar and be truly successful at it. She has the presence of Vin Diesel and has the voice to match it. When she says “have a good night, you guys and behave yourself” I get anxious, like a little kid who did something they shouldn’t have done.  I have no idea why? Clearly I am 27 plenty old enough to go out drinking responsibly but still that voice of hers makes me nervous coming from a woman. Now if she looked like Vin Diesel I might instead of being anxious become a bit more excited. If she had the body to match it well than hi ho silver I might ride that pony real good nice and forward too.

Women showing there Peekachu and Gallopies in Public

            I wrote about working out at gyms quite a while ago. I have to say I believe it is time to remind people of etiquette at the gym. Frankly some people I have noticed have not received the memo on proper clothing as well as behavior in gyms. I feel that when working out it is important to cover up the important parts of our bodies that may draw attention. Let’s pretend like we have some home training and not some hoochie coo with her peekachu all exposed.

             I was at the gym and this woman who I see all the time there was working out.  She has big fake boobs, a super tiny waist, and a tight perky little butt on her. She walks around the gym with her boobs all pushed up and flirts with all the men, who naturally stare at her galoppies as they stay nice and perky, and stay afloat while she is in the pool acting as her life preserver.

            As she is working out is on this machine, of course trying to get attention she was looking like some real big hooch. She was lying face down on this machine, bent over holding a weight. Her legs stable so she has to use her back and abs to come up while holding the weight. So as she goes up and down her perky little butt is airborne for all of LA Fitness to see. Than for icing on the cake if you were in front of her as she lifts up what do you get to see? Yes her perky boobs nicely pushed up together.

            I am thinking in my mind is this really necessary? I mean do we truly need to watch your boobs and butt all in the air? And when you switch sides do we really need to have your legs in the air? Please have respect for others because no one wants to see all that business. I am sure some men do but for the rest of the world let’s not do that. Go to the gym, get in your workout and that’s it. Quit drawing attention to yourself by working out like a giant skank.  Then when men come up to talk with her she is all sweaty, with sweaty boobs and these shorts that are coochie cutters so when she does the squats in front of the mirror she has her legs spread and about half the men’s gym looking at her.

            Hopefully she is reading this, if you are the woman who does this please have respect for my gorgeous brown eyes and not do such movements. The thought of her funky peekachu creeps me out quite a bit.  Just attend the gym, do what you are there for, and be done. And do not put on a bikini and do those things by the hot tub; that is my only other request please.