Online Dating Bloopers Part 2

                                                   Online Dating Bloopers Part 2

 

 

After writing part one of Online Dating Bloopers this gentleman called me. Hahaha

Now being the nice guy I am I chatted with him. I have no intentions of anything to come of it (EVER!) but we did end up chatting for a bit and it was totally fine.

After talking on the phone for a few minutes I naturally bring up the purple elephant that is over the phone.
“So that evening I texted you and you showed your date my text? What the hell was that? ”   
He stated that he would NEVER show his date a text from a prior guy he was dating while actually on the date, that would just be so disrespectful.
That he was showing his date a text from another person who magically at the same time I texted him was ALSO texting him.

I must have gone and bumped my head, what was I thinking? That makes so much more sense. I stated to him he was lying, and full of shit.

Whatever dumbass.
I mean it’s not like “we” are going to go anywhere so I didn’t care if I insulted him by calling him a liar. It won’t have me losing sleep by calling him out on his shit by any means. I however find it so funny he has to lie to me? Men are so dumb sometimes. Let's just be honest people what is so hard?

He also stated that I was crazy; he thought I was going to jump out the bush’s as they were walking back.
Me CRAZY? I don’t know if I have ever been called that before? Actually, I have.
He said he was paranoid! That truly made my day, it really did. I know that sounds horrible, maybe disturbing to some people. I can live with it though. I know I sound like a nut job; it humors me to think that I made some guy that nervous.  
He said I sent messages that made him feel like he was being watched.
Well deerrr.. I could see you but you couldn’t see me; hello? I said “what did it feel like a chick in a horror film running up the stairs instead of out the front door?”
He just thought I was crazy. I busted out laughing so hard, he actually asked me if I am crazy? If i have ever been commited? 

While being on a date, I made him that nervous he didn’t enjoy his date quite as much. Haha…he didn’t enjoy it because little 5’4 Chris threw out a few text messages.
 I just find that hilarious. I knew in sending them he would think that at it really bothered me he was with someone. I told him I knew he would think that and that it was ok I was doing it for shits and giggles. He kind of paused over the phone for a second, and made a comment. Something along the lines of “so you thought that was funny?”  The only response I could come up with is laughing and saying “oh ya, I thought it was funny shit!”

Maybe that is why I am still single; I need a man who has bigger balls when I go off my rocker. I know I can be nuts, my ex could tell you that but hey I don’t act crazy just for no reason. You act up, I got’s to check you.

Point, blank, period.

Anywho that night after dinner she and I ended up chatting it up with some guys at some bar in Weho. It was fun. And she got her pictures with some drag queens.

Gay yes I am, into drag..ahh not so much.

When Stupid People Flap There Baa-zoo

                                   When Stupid People Flap There Baa-zoo



Hello world!

Today as I was reading through an old journal I noticed a piece from when I was back at the Manor. I will opt to leave her name out, but this wonderful girl was pretty stupid.

The girl was some snooty brat from Orange County somewhere. She couldn’t really ride, but she looked good on a horse so long as he was perfect.

 She had the audacity to say well I don’t like how Chris rides. Now you do not have to like how I ride that is no big deal. But how is she going to not like how I ride, than going to say how she liked the horse I trained? 

Yup that makes no sense, she is stupid.

You don’t like me but the horse that I did myself was the only one to ride her for over a year you love? Call your trainer and want them to go buy her for a client?

Your looney tunes girlfriend.

When she first found out that the horse she really enjoyed riding was trained by me she I can only imagine how freaking stupid she felt.

 

Now that is just one thing, so she didn’t like me. Oh well not everyone does.  I don’t need a pat on the back I was just reading and thought wow, this girl was nuts. She also went off her rocker a little bit when some girl ruined her tire cover. Haha that was funny. I forgot how that came about but I remember whatever it was she deserved it.

 Wow I remember good times there, after 3 years I met some wonderful people.

 

Karma was a bitch; it bit her in the ass. I read once “karma is a bitch-what goes around comes around.   If you’re lucky god will let you watch” and he let me watch just a little bit. Actually I have had two times I clearly remember I was able to watch something unravel that normally I would be upset for that person for. That would make me horrible to say I enjoyed it but I think we can’t treat people like crap all the time and not have some reparations for our actions.  

 

I just remember that, and thought it was funny shit. I wonder whatever happened of her…she must be off running her mouth somewhere irritating others yet again. She was good at that.

I just felt that for all the people that get hated on-your not the only one! Keep on keeping!

Trimming Up Your Man Bush

                                                          Trimming Your Man Bush



                                           

I am going to touch today on a subject that is very important and dear to my heart. Especially when at the gym you like to get naked for moments. You must not let yourself go crazy down there.

Yesterday I was at the gym, a gentleman, of Latin decent was getting undressed. Naturally I want to casually check out his goods I mean who wouldn’t right? Than off come the boxers and I swore it was Lacandon jungle down there!

For those of you who don’t get it, that jungle is Mexico’s last remaining jungles-a little piece of trivia for you.

When it is so crazy that I can’t see your piece of meat like I should be able to I think a problem has surfaced don’t you? Think of his poor girlfriend and what she has to go through. I’m thinking of her this is me being the giver I am. She must not be able to communicate with him that it is not appropriate to let himself go.

This is why people say communication is a must in all relationships.

What are a few great ways to share with your significant other that let’s try and have a spring cleaning. My personal favorite would be to say “honey boo boo child, handle your shit please.”

Now if that doesn’t work for you I suggest maybe make it fun so the both of you can enjoy it. Or casually bring it up as you both are relaxing one evening on the couch not doing much in a very nonabrasive manner. You don’t want to hurt his feelings right?

For the sake of this post I will stick to just men I just ate breakfast and I don’t want to think about vaginas and what grows down or around there.

Summer is winding down; let’s think of it as a fall cleaning shall we?

When Funny Shit Happens to Stupid People

When Funny Shit Happens to Stupid People

So I sound horrible for typing that line, I will admit it. It is really funny though when people who lack common sense decide to do something and there is nothing but entertainment waiting. It is hysterical, truly good stuff. Frequently it is so good that it is like watching a movie. Being a horse trainer I have people tell me all sorts of stories. My uncle had pookie bear at his farm and we would gallop, or my favorite is well my sister got thrown when in reality pookie bear was cantering and your dumbass sister fell off because pumpkin looked at a squirrel.

These people either have one of two approaches. They either think I really am interested (sometimes I am if I like you otherwise I don’t give a shit) or they think I don’t know what I am talking about because at 26 what do I know? I mean I wasn’t privileged growing up having an $80,000 jumper thrown at me to go show at Devon. However I worked hard, went to school, rode anything and everything thrown at me and have worked for Olympic level Dressage and Jumper trainers. She actually called me twice asking for me to ride for her cause her current rider for a jumper can’t work a horse on the flat for shit. So I know a thing or two. Not a lot, just a thing or two.

While I was chatting with a woman she was telling me a story about how her daughter and she decided to go riding together. How precious-right? I can feel this already going somewhere I knew it shouldn’t. They went riding her daughter a mere 50 pounds, 10 years old and been riding over a year but once a week. Not very strong physically, however a very hardworking kid and quite brave for her age so when she gets older I could see her blossom into a good rider. The mother had been on a horse like a handful of times, and not within the past 20 years. Oh snap, this is going to be good right?

They decided on vacation they want to ride across that big open field together laughing with no helmets, no saddles and just ride like the wind. Sweet Jesus does that sound scary!

Any who the child goes off into the canter I am told on some big horse. Well that scares me because she barely can stay on pookie bear jr. So sending her off on a 16 hand anything makes me a little nervous, thank god I wasn’t watching. Moms horse takes off to follow because let’s get real horses are herd animals.

Horses when together if one goes they all go, sometimes broncing as little Suzy hangs on for dear life.

Let’s picture mother, not an avid equestrian at a forward canter (possibly a hand gallop because they are loose in a BIG field with just bridles on) flopping around like a ragdoll being tossed around, trying to hang on the 1,100 pound animal.

Holy shit is all I have to say. Oh. My. Gosh. I myself am scared sitting in my kitchen typing this currently.

The mother while trying to hang on makes it only so far before she falls off from a galloping horse and hits the ground landing less than four feet from a huge tree. Now could you imagine hitting that tree from a cantering or galloping horse? Let alone without a helmet on at that? I don’t think it would tickle, or as a student told me once “brighten someone’s day” I believe that child is right it will not brighten anyone’s day, what was she thinking? Let alone send your child off to do the same thing as well? Thank god the child and she are both fine, nothing broken.  I swear stupid people should not breed.  

When Older People Say Stupid Shit

When Older People Say Stupid Shit

So today I am chatting with some woman, she is older and a bit “old school” if I was to categorize her.  I have known her for a little bit now, she is not a prude, and typically very nonjudgmental in many ways. So after today and what she said I still very much don’t hold anything against her by any means. However she flapped her chops and I think should remember A) she is talking to a gay guy and B) this is 2012 wake up! Times have changed and I don’t see our society going back to how it was 40 years ago.

I am chatting with this woman about a young teen who at quite an early age came out to her family and friends about being a lesbian. I have known this girl for a few years now, a very outgoing young lady.  Not a butch nor a lipstick lesbian type she is I’m just a girl, who has both her very girly and tom boy moments. She loves her highlights and manicures while playing baseball with the boys. You really can’t stereotype this one; she rolls to her own beat for sure.

The woman and I were chatting over coffee at Starbucks and she mentioned I can’t believe the girl came out so young. This girl realized her sexual identity at 13, young but old enough she clearly knew she was not into guys.

Unlike me Baywatch always did a little too much, I loved David Chokachi.

PS-David if you ever read this, call me. No seriously you’re super sexy.

 The woman states “I mean wouldn’t you keep it in the closet till you have to deal with it a bit more”?

I’m thinking in my mind well the girl came to conclusion about her sexuality around 13 almost 14 isn’t that when kids start having their first boyfriend or girlfriend?

I ask the woman “At 14 weren’t you interested in guys”? She responds “well I thought boys were cute but my parents didn’t let me date really.”

Informing her I think the girl was awesome for knowing herself and having the guts to deal with that at such a young age. Get it out the way and have the rest of your life as a big ol lesbian! Why would the girl “keep it in the closet”? If you know what is up why not roll with it? She had the balls to deal with it, she was braver than I. At the same age I knew I was different, hell I knew at like 6 I was. I don’t think people just wake up and claim to be gay all of a sudden, you knew early on you more FAB than everyone else.

As were talking casually about it, I didn’t get all emo over it or anything. Like I said I know the woman really has a great heart. I was just thinking how society has changed in such a short time really. I think it was in the 70’s being gay was considered a mental disorder if I am correct? Now pushing 40 years later we have movies about it, sitcoms, same sex marriage in some states, and a lot of people being open about how they live there life. It made me thankful I was born when I was as well as having the family I do have.  

I just remember thinking over coffee today how I view things now at 26 versus someone who are in there mid 50’s is so different. Most people say to me “well your still so young” like it is a bad thing.  I have met so many older people who sometimes I think wow you have kids and a mortgage in your name? Or if there really looney tunes wow your married-someone puts up with your shit every day?

This girl is a great example of knowing one self and having the balls to say screw it and live the life she wants that makes her happy.  More people should do that in this world, whatever it may be that makes you happy.

Live the life you want that makes you happy. So long as it doesn’t cramp my style than I might gouge your eyes out.

Online Dating Bloopers

For a while now I have dabbled in the online dating phase. Who is with me admitting it? Everyone when they admit to it someone is like “oh my gosh, that is so weird!”  Whatever, how am I going to meet anyone between work, school, trying to have a social life as well as my own “me time” so I not kill anyone?

 What I have found, is not looking good. If the man is so very handsome, and on here, there is a reason. If you look like you belong in a Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, have your own place, car, and a job and are a yummy Italian who is only a mere 30 years old yet still can’t nail down someone (at least for long term) there is a reason!

 Well except for me, I am like perfect, right? No we all have faults but I am using it since I am so busy. I work with all much older people, no one new floats through work, nor grocery store, or the gym. How am I going to meet anyone, I’m not getting any younger!

The dating scene especially I feel like here in Los Angeles is so off the wall. Especially for us gays, I mean with everyone wanting some worked out body, or someone with hang up about their sexuality still in your forties-I don’t have time for that. Get on the band wagon. We all make a choice and mine is to be strictly dickly!

 Par example; I was dating this guy, nice guy, mildly attractive and the first Latin guy I have dated. I love Latin, Italian or black guys but for some reason I always wind up dating some white guy. Oh well, vanilla works right? Any who I didn’t find out till after our first date he didn’t have a car. Red flag went up.

 I opted to not throw in the towel just yet, maybe ask a few questions. He tells me well “I need to get it fixed; I just haven’t taken it in yet. Also I live in Hollywood, I can walk anywhere I need to, and my job is just a few blocks away”.

I decide to not pry to much more and basically throw in the towel. This is not New York City, nor you Carrie Bradshaw. Anyone who lives in LA knows living in LA could mean you are anywhere in a million mile radius. This guy is nuts, nor is he not that cute for me to stick around for basically. Or drive him everywhere when we need to go out. I live in the valley and always have to trek over the hill to see him? Or is he going to walk down the 101 to come over? Call me an ass, I don’t care or shallow, whatever.

 Fast forward a few weeks later my friend takes me to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants in West Hollywood for my birthday. After having a drink waiting for a seat not a minute later I am being some immature dumbass looking through the holes in the seat divider that separates our table to the entrance. I comment “cool, what if you wanted to spy on someone? How cool!” I notice this guy I used to see sitting with some guy who he is obviously on some date with. Ironic don’t you think?

Naturally the next thing to do is text him. Yes I did, and boy was it funny. Let’s get real; truthfully I didn’t really like him. I didn’t care he was really dating someone else.  

I thought it would be just for shits and giggles you know?

 I text a friendly hello what’s up and the douche bag shows my text to his date! I can only imagine what he said “oh look this guy I used to see getting at me haha, what a loser”.

Oh no that little prick. So I write back “hey asshole quit showing my text to your anorexic looking date, let him enjoy that taco you fucker”.

The look on his eyes was awesome, as he quietly looks around. I just thought it was so funny. I swore I felt like I was in an episode of Punked and Ashton Kutcher was going to jump out and yell “YOU HAVE BEEN PUNKED!”

After a few more immature texts back and forth as me and my friend are laughing our ass’ off thinking this is unreal, he and the date quickly walk out. I write once more just to put some icing on the cake, “Hope you have a nice walk home asshole!”

 Alright, I know this was so very childish but hey I’m out having dinner for my birthday! I can be an ass just a little right? It is fun!

Shortly later he responds with some piss poor response on how I am an asshole, blah blah, this new guy is so great and how his Mercedes has been fixed and his new boyfriend drives it “oh so good”.  Blow me, I don’t care if there is a Rolls Royce and a brand new Range Rover parked next to the Mercedes. All I ask is the man has a freaking running car.

How can I introduce a so so looking guy with no car to friends and family? I am sorry my family would be like he is 30 years old, what a scrub. I would have TLC playing all through the house.

Moral of the story, I was so right to kick him to the curb. And you want to add some sprinkles to that cake? He gets at me a month later; he is still single and wants to go out again. I turned on TLC’s No Scrubs and never looked back. However I am still single, so if anyone knows a decent man, with a job, a car, and place to live, you know how to get at me. ChrisDCervantes@gmail.com

Till next time-ride it like you stole it!

Naked in Gyms

So let's be honest....when going to the gym why does everyone think that the gay guy wants nothing more than to check out other men? I mean there is more to life than checking out the meat market right? ..haha ..no no!

Let me start by saying why at the gym is it the most unattractive man with the flattest ass walking around like he an't got no shame all butt naked?

How about we not do that, is all I am asking. I mean put some clothes on and handle your busniess right. If your own wife is not trying to look at that why should other men in the locker room?
Have some RESPECT for my eyes ok.

Now if you are looking like Ricky Martin or Eric Dane, or even a much older handsome man like Matt Lauer than by all means rock out with your cock out is totally acceptable. I myself would like a gander at your manhood.

Also women you must wear proper clothing. I know this is Los Angeles and it's all hot here. When your working out, your even hotter. I understand!  However you may not work out with no underwear on that is not cute. I saw a woman today on a stair master doing her thing, it was so gross. I almost threw up on the man in front of me busting his ass on the treadmill.
No underwear on, all sweaty, you could see her cho-cha ! That is inapproaite, kids are here!
I complained to the manager my eyes were hurting from watching that.

 He said that I was not the first to file a complant and that he would speak with her yet again. We need to do more, not just speak with her but buy her some chonnies cause she is looking like a hot mess.  Scratch that, just a mess.

I just wish people could concider each others feeling a little more and be respectful. I myself always try and remember other peoples feelings. As well as how my actions affect others and the impact it has on them.
If everyone ran around naked at the gym, this world would be a messed up place. However get in that gym and run your butt off summer is almost over and you gotta look out at the pool right?!

Relationships

Are so fickle sometimes. You have relationships with some people that mean the world to you, others not so much, and yet they seem to stay around? Why is that?
I am talking about all sorts of relationships between friends, family member, ex's, all of it.
When there is differences, and someone won't look at themselves to see how they are making someone feel, how do you know if or when to end it?  Does anyone ever know, or do you just make a choice and stick with it, hope that it works out for the best?
There has been a few people lately who have decided to step out and I must say goodbye. I guess everything happens for a reason and I must trust that all will work out for the best.